jchrisobrien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jchrisobrien) wrote2010-01-26 11:31 am
jchrisobrien) wrote2010-01-26 11:31 am
My family, my enemy
The day Steve Brown won the Massachusetts Senate seat, my cousin Mike made a big to do about it on his Facebook page. He talked about a mandate from the people, a smack down of the Democrats, and somehow tied it in to the first step in getting rid of Obama. I was still in shock at the upset, like almost physically ill, but pressed on. Later his comment thread had grown to include such gems as "all gays are going to Hell" and "those who believe in it are too." I took time to type five words: "You are dead to me." and de-Friended him.
I got a few comments from him in my InBox, which I deleted un-read. Today he sent me an e-mail, asking why I was so pissed. He asked if I couldn't handle those viewpoints to the point I'll have nothing to do with a relative? He said his brother agreed with him 100%, am I that pissed at him too?
You know, I am. A good sized chunk of my family are Republicans. There was some minor squabbling at our family reunion, but it didn't get in the way of our having a good time. My cousin Mike is extremely Republican, and extremely Catholic. Way more Catholic than I am. He still goes to the Masses where the priests face away from the congregation. He posts long sermons from priests lauding the values of Obedience (which made me sick to read it). He hates everything about Obama, which would be fine, but he also believes every smear job and lie that's out there. The fake birth certificate, Obama as terrorist, Communist, all of it. In his mind, all of that is secondary to being family. We can have differences of opinion, but still be connected and friends through blood.
I don't think I buy that. Much of my childhood I fought tooth and nail with my sisters. I spent the latter part of my teens and college years arguing with my father over religious beliefs. Common stuff, right? Everyone goes through it. I left high school and moved away to college, living out on my own. I left college and moved to Boston, only rarely visiting them. The last time I saw Michael were were teens, and we were playing Asteroids on an Atari 800 computer. He grew up on the west coast, married there, has children. My point is that for decades no we've never spoken to each other, or had any contact. If I stayed away from Facebook, we'd still have no contact. Our only common interest to speak of is blood and Heroes (and even I admit the show is going way downhill).
The bonds of family are a great American myth, brotherhood and family are always touted as virtues that overcome all obstacles. You forgive your relatives flaws because they are family. Call me a misanthrope, but I call shenanigans on that. When I see people on the news equating Obama with Hitler, I think they are ignorant fools. When my cousin says the same thing, it's a shock. People who bash gays make me want to bash them. Now it's my cousin who's the target of my raised fist. Does the fact that he is family shield him from my feelings, does it make him less the Enemy?
The world is getting to that point, it's been moving there for a long time. I'm sure people in the fifties were just as polarized about Communists, or hippies in the 60's. More and more I find myself accepting and embracing my own polarization. Are you a Christian Fundamentalist? You're the Enemy. Do you think Obama sucks? That's fine, it's your opinion. Do you think Obama faked his birth certificate and is a Communist? You're the Enemy. The more I try to understand how the other side thinks in a situation, the more I realize all we don't have in common.
I've thrown an olive branch to my cousin, and we are conversing over e-mail. If I do add him back, I'm ready to filter out everything he says. For family's sake, I will keep up appearances. When it comes to day-to-day life, he' still the Enemy.
I got a few comments from him in my InBox, which I deleted un-read. Today he sent me an e-mail, asking why I was so pissed. He asked if I couldn't handle those viewpoints to the point I'll have nothing to do with a relative? He said his brother agreed with him 100%, am I that pissed at him too?
You know, I am. A good sized chunk of my family are Republicans. There was some minor squabbling at our family reunion, but it didn't get in the way of our having a good time. My cousin Mike is extremely Republican, and extremely Catholic. Way more Catholic than I am. He still goes to the Masses where the priests face away from the congregation. He posts long sermons from priests lauding the values of Obedience (which made me sick to read it). He hates everything about Obama, which would be fine, but he also believes every smear job and lie that's out there. The fake birth certificate, Obama as terrorist, Communist, all of it. In his mind, all of that is secondary to being family. We can have differences of opinion, but still be connected and friends through blood.
I don't think I buy that. Much of my childhood I fought tooth and nail with my sisters. I spent the latter part of my teens and college years arguing with my father over religious beliefs. Common stuff, right? Everyone goes through it. I left high school and moved away to college, living out on my own. I left college and moved to Boston, only rarely visiting them. The last time I saw Michael were were teens, and we were playing Asteroids on an Atari 800 computer. He grew up on the west coast, married there, has children. My point is that for decades no we've never spoken to each other, or had any contact. If I stayed away from Facebook, we'd still have no contact. Our only common interest to speak of is blood and Heroes (and even I admit the show is going way downhill).
The bonds of family are a great American myth, brotherhood and family are always touted as virtues that overcome all obstacles. You forgive your relatives flaws because they are family. Call me a misanthrope, but I call shenanigans on that. When I see people on the news equating Obama with Hitler, I think they are ignorant fools. When my cousin says the same thing, it's a shock. People who bash gays make me want to bash them. Now it's my cousin who's the target of my raised fist. Does the fact that he is family shield him from my feelings, does it make him less the Enemy?
The world is getting to that point, it's been moving there for a long time. I'm sure people in the fifties were just as polarized about Communists, or hippies in the 60's. More and more I find myself accepting and embracing my own polarization. Are you a Christian Fundamentalist? You're the Enemy. Do you think Obama sucks? That's fine, it's your opinion. Do you think Obama faked his birth certificate and is a Communist? You're the Enemy. The more I try to understand how the other side thinks in a situation, the more I realize all we don't have in common.
I've thrown an olive branch to my cousin, and we are conversing over e-mail. If I do add him back, I'm ready to filter out everything he says. For family's sake, I will keep up appearances. When it comes to day-to-day life, he' still the Enemy.
no subject
You should not feel guilty for telling him you'll be declining to read such views.
As for the respect issue?
Yeah, this is one I myself have issue with.
Too many of the people who have political or religious views vastly different or opposite my own? Believe that not only is it okay for them to impose their views on others as the "ONE TRUE WAY", but that for them *NOT* to push their views on everyone else who doesn't agree with them, a *SIN* or even a grave insult to humanity as a whole.
But, if someone does not respect my right to even *have* a difference of opinion with them without it being made into a sin against god or an affront to humankind, not just a difference of opinion? Do I have to grant them the respect that they will not or can not give to me? This is where I'm murky. On one hand, while I do not see myself as being a Xtian, I do believe it's right to treat others the way you yourself would prefer to be treated. But, on the other hand, while this is a good starting point, going on treating someone with more compassion, deference, and respect then they are willing to show me? Past a certain point aren't I just making myself part of the problem? If I state my boundaries but don't defend them, or if I'm being done injury by someone, aren't I just enabling them to do me further disrespect or injury if I don't remove myself or take defensive action?
I say, start out treating others as you would like them to treat you. But, modify or rescind that behavior if that respect or kindness is not being honored or returned. Because if I just go on being nice to you, you don't get the message that your conduct is unacceptable. I'm not saying nuke them from orbit. But, yeah, once someone shows me I can't trust them to play nice, I don't feel as obligated to play nice myself. Then it's me defending myself. I will try to do so with the least amount of fuss and muss, but defend myself I will.