My family, my enemy

[jchrisobrien]

The day Steve Brown won the Massachusetts Senate seat, my cousin Mike made a big to do about it on his Facebook page. He talked about a mandate from the people, a smack down of the Democrats, and somehow tied it in to the first step in getting rid of Obama. I was still in shock at the upset, like almost physically ill, but pressed on. Later his comment thread had grown to include such gems as "all gays are going to Hell" and "those who believe in it are too." I took time to type five words: "You are dead to me." and de-Friended him.

I got a few comments from him in my InBox, which I deleted un-read. Today he sent me an e-mail, asking why I was so pissed. He asked if I couldn't handle those viewpoints to the point I'll have nothing to do with a relative? He said his brother agreed with him 100%, am I that pissed at him too?

You know, I am. A good sized chunk of my family are Republicans. There was some minor squabbling at our family reunion, but it didn't get in the way of our having a good time. My cousin Mike is extremely Republican, and extremely Catholic. Way more Catholic than I am. He still goes to the Masses where the priests face away from the congregation. He posts long sermons from priests lauding the values of Obedience (which made me sick to read it). He hates everything about Obama, which would be fine, but he also believes every smear job and lie that's out there. The fake birth certificate, Obama as terrorist, Communist, all of it. In his mind, all of that is secondary to being family. We can have differences of opinion, but still be connected and friends through blood.

I don't think I buy that. Much of my childhood I fought tooth and nail with my sisters. I spent the latter part of my teens and college years arguing with my father over religious beliefs. Common stuff, right? Everyone goes through it. I left high school and moved away to college, living out on my own. I left college and moved to Boston, only rarely visiting them. The last time I saw Michael were were teens, and we were playing Asteroids on an Atari 800 computer. He grew up on the west coast, married there, has children. My point is that for decades no we've never spoken to each other, or had any contact. If I stayed away from Facebook, we'd still have no contact. Our only common interest to speak of is blood and Heroes (and even I admit the show is going way downhill).

The bonds of family are a great American myth, brotherhood and family are always touted as virtues that overcome all obstacles. You forgive your relatives flaws because they are family. Call me a misanthrope, but I call shenanigans on that. When I see people on the news equating Obama with Hitler, I think they are ignorant fools. When my cousin says the same thing, it's a shock. People who bash gays make me want to bash them. Now it's my cousin who's the target of my raised fist. Does the fact that he is family shield him from my feelings, does it make him less the Enemy?

The world is getting to that point, it's been moving there for a long time. I'm sure people in the fifties were just as polarized about Communists, or hippies in the 60's. More and more I find myself accepting and embracing my own polarization. Are you a Christian Fundamentalist? You're the Enemy. Do you think Obama sucks? That's fine, it's your opinion. Do you think Obama faked his birth certificate and is a Communist? You're the Enemy. The more I try to understand how the other side thinks in a situation, the more I realize all we don't have in common.

I've thrown an olive branch to my cousin, and we are conversing over e-mail. If I do add him back, I'm ready to filter out everything he says. For family's sake, I will keep up appearances. When it comes to day-to-day life, he' still the Enemy.

Comments

Well.

[uncletang.livejournal.com]

I removed my aunt for her hatespeech. I don't care who in my family knows it. When it comes to realizing that I would not associate with racists in my everyday life, I could not be a hypocrite and keep contact with a woman by virtue of shared genes.

[prttyasacarcrsh.livejournal.com]

My family actually makes it a point not to talk about politics and religion because we don't agree. We're all entitled to our opinions, but we're not going to share them with each other.

Sorry to hear about your cousin :(

[talesinsdaughtr.livejournal.com]

Well, I think that the ties of family do overcome a lot. But there's family and there's family. A friend who's shared your troubles and celebrations for years is more your "family" (and thus more worthy of asking you to consider their opinion or at least let them explain it) than a man you share some genes with but nothing else.

[water-childe.livejournal.com]

I think you make a good point and I support you.
If you cousin can resist ranting about religion or political views that you've stated you're just not okay with? Great.
If he can't? You have every right to cut him out.
It all boils down to respect.
You don't have to agree with me or my personal view points.
But, you will respect them and will agree to disagree without it being some kind of ongoing battle. If you can't do that?
I don't care who you are. Family, friend, or complete stranger?
You will not be welcome to be a part of my life, at all.

[tisana.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on this...both on the need for respect for other people's differing opinions, and how blood ties really don't mean shit if the person is toxic to your life.

Congratulations on making the decision and sticking to it. But maybe...maybe it's worth explaining (on a very simple level) why you don't want to maintain contact?

[cayetana.livejournal.com]

sigh. Yeah it's really difficult. Family or not, if someone constantly upsets you and offends you and you decide it's better to not be in contact with that person, that doesn't seem reprehensible.
Well, in my opinion that is. And I live in a city and went to college, so according to some people in my family, my opinion is worthless...

[denimskater.livejournal.com]

It isn't diverging viewpoints that specifically angers me with the family members I have differences with; it's a refusal to think about it. (Dogmatic Republican Limbaugh-ism is the most horrifying.) I'll never disown my family; even the brother I loathe with a depth and breadth that is probably cancerous and necrotic is still my brother - if anyone outside my friends and family has a problem with him, I'll reflexively side with him, and even if they're logically right I'll still probably choose to be neutral rather than side against him.

But my close friends? They are far above my family in terms of support and caring they'll get from me. I have chosen them because they are amazing.

My eldest brother visited briefly yesterday afternoon, since he was in town for training. We talked for a couple of hours exclusively about technical things, because I won't respond on political or religious topics - he's so inflexible and impermeable to logic that I know it isn't worth it. He doesn't WANT information that disagrees with his worldview; if I mention science that contradicts anything he "knows", he generally only makes a joke out of it.

*sigh*

But then, most of my family (myself specifically included) is fairly batty in one way or another; there are reasons for that, and that's the reason I live far, far from them.

[scrabonia.livejournal.com]

Wow. Fucking hell. I feel for your position with your family. For me it's gloating coworkers. I read an interesting essay once on how tolerance equates to the same thing as condoning a behavior. I don't know where the line is honestly, but I have come to the same conclusion about the current state of polarization. We liberals need to stop being quite so passive about our position and our belief that justice and intelligence will win out. The wave breaking against us is too strong. But how to do that without abandoning our values in the process?