jchrisobrien | My family, my enemy

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My family, my enemy

The day Steve Brown won the Massachusetts Senate seat, my cousin Mike made a big to do about it on his Facebook page. He talked about a mandate from the people, a smack down of the Democrats, and somehow tied it in to the first step in getting rid of Obama. I was still in shock at the upset, like almost physically ill, but pressed on. Later his comment thread had grown to include such gems as "all gays are going to Hell" and "those who believe in it are too." I took time to type five words: "You are dead to me." and de-Friended him.

I got a few comments from him in my InBox, which I deleted un-read. Today he sent me an e-mail, asking why I was so pissed. He asked if I couldn't handle those viewpoints to the point I'll have nothing to do with a relative? He said his brother agreed with him 100%, am I that pissed at him too?

You know, I am. A good sized chunk of my family are Republicans. There was some minor squabbling at our family reunion, but it didn't get in the way of our having a good time. My cousin Mike is extremely Republican, and extremely Catholic. Way more Catholic than I am. He still goes to the Masses where the priests face away from the congregation. He posts long sermons from priests lauding the values of Obedience (which made me sick to read it). He hates everything about Obama, which would be fine, but he also believes every smear job and lie that's out there. The fake birth certificate, Obama as terrorist, Communist, all of it. In his mind, all of that is secondary to being family. We can have differences of opinion, but still be connected and friends through blood.

I don't think I buy that. Much of my childhood I fought tooth and nail with my sisters. I spent the latter part of my teens and college years arguing with my father over religious beliefs. Common stuff, right? Everyone goes through it. I left high school and moved away to college, living out on my own. I left college and moved to Boston, only rarely visiting them. The last time I saw Michael were were teens, and we were playing Asteroids on an Atari 800 computer. He grew up on the west coast, married there, has children. My point is that for decades no we've never spoken to each other, or had any contact. If I stayed away from Facebook, we'd still have no contact. Our only common interest to speak of is blood and Heroes (and even I admit the show is going way downhill).

The bonds of family are a great American myth, brotherhood and family are always touted as virtues that overcome all obstacles. You forgive your relatives flaws because they are family. Call me a misanthrope, but I call shenanigans on that. When I see people on the news equating Obama with Hitler, I think they are ignorant fools. When my cousin says the same thing, it's a shock. People who bash gays make me want to bash them. Now it's my cousin who's the target of my raised fist. Does the fact that he is family shield him from my feelings, does it make him less the Enemy?

The world is getting to that point, it's been moving there for a long time. I'm sure people in the fifties were just as polarized about Communists, or hippies in the 60's. More and more I find myself accepting and embracing my own polarization. Are you a Christian Fundamentalist? You're the Enemy. Do you think Obama sucks? That's fine, it's your opinion. Do you think Obama faked his birth certificate and is a Communist? You're the Enemy. The more I try to understand how the other side thinks in a situation, the more I realize all we don't have in common.

I've thrown an olive branch to my cousin, and we are conversing over e-mail. If I do add him back, I'm ready to filter out everything he says. For family's sake, I will keep up appearances. When it comes to day-to-day life, he' still the Enemy.

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I removed my aunt for her hatespeech. I don't care who in my family knows it. When it comes to realizing that I would not associate with racists in my everyday life, I could not be a hypocrite and keep contact with a woman by virtue of shared genes.

How things play out will depend. I can get over the political crap. I can't turn a blind eye to the anti-gay talk anymore than he can turn an eye to their "sinful" behavior.

My family actually makes it a point not to talk about politics and religion because we don't agree. We're all entitled to our opinions, but we're not going to share them with each other.

Sorry to hear about your cousin :(

It really was a shock to see him make uninformed statements. Once they slipped over into hate, I just couldn't take it. I don't know how he honestly reconciles such hate with faith, but if that's what Catholicism is, count me out.

Ignorance is one thing, and hate speech another. I highly doubt that is 'what Catholicism' is, but instead what he wants it to be. That's one of the functions that religion provides people. Sometimes its good like charity and goodwill towards all, and sometimes its bad, like jihad and homosexuality as a sin.

Regardless of religion/politics/etc, people will think and forget and twist what they must in order to maintain their status quo.

Well, I think that the ties of family do overcome a lot. But there's family and there's family. A friend who's shared your troubles and celebrations for years is more your "family" (and thus more worthy of asking you to consider their opinion or at least let them explain it) than a man you share some genes with but nothing else.

My Boston family has certainly helped me grow in ways my other family hasn't, and been more accepting at times. Family can be close, but I don't think it's an automatic given.

I think you make a good point and I support you.
If you cousin can resist ranting about religion or political views that you've stated you're just not okay with? Great.
If he can't? You have every right to cut him out.
It all boils down to respect.
You don't have to agree with me or my personal view points.
But, you will respect them and will agree to disagree without it being some kind of ongoing battle. If you can't do that?
I don't care who you are. Family, friend, or complete stranger?
You will not be welcome to be a part of my life, at all.

His rants are all in his journal, and show up on my status page.
My dictatorial tendencies aside, I can't tell him not to rant in his own journal. I can tell him that I'll be declining to read such views.

In this case, I'm the one he should be cutting out, becase I don't know that I respect his views. In light of that, I shouldn't put myself in a place where I'd scream at him :)

True, you can't tell him not to rant in his own journal.
You should not feel guilty for telling him you'll be declining to read such views.
As for the respect issue?
Yeah, this is one I myself have issue with.
Too many of the people who have political or religious views vastly different or opposite my own? Believe that not only is it okay for them to impose their views on others as the "ONE TRUE WAY", but that for them *NOT* to push their views on everyone else who doesn't agree with them, a *SIN* or even a grave insult to humanity as a whole.
But, if someone does not respect my right to even *have* a difference of opinion with them without it being made into a sin against god or an affront to humankind, not just a difference of opinion? Do I have to grant them the respect that they will not or can not give to me? This is where I'm murky. On one hand, while I do not see myself as being a Xtian, I do believe it's right to treat others the way you yourself would prefer to be treated. But, on the other hand, while this is a good starting point, going on treating someone with more compassion, deference, and respect then they are willing to show me? Past a certain point aren't I just making myself part of the problem? If I state my boundaries but don't defend them, or if I'm being done injury by someone, aren't I just enabling them to do me further disrespect or injury if I don't remove myself or take defensive action?
I say, start out treating others as you would like them to treat you. But, modify or rescind that behavior if that respect or kindness is not being honored or returned. Because if I just go on being nice to you, you don't get the message that your conduct is unacceptable. I'm not saying nuke them from orbit. But, yeah, once someone shows me I can't trust them to play nice, I don't feel as obligated to play nice myself. Then it's me defending myself. I will try to do so with the least amount of fuss and muss, but defend myself I will.

I'm with you on this...both on the need for respect for other people's differing opinions, and how blood ties really don't mean shit if the person is toxic to your life.

Congratulations on making the decision and sticking to it. But maybe...maybe it's worth explaining (on a very simple level) why you don't want to maintain contact?

We are in discussion about our differences. Time will tell what happens from here, but considering his judgmental, dogmatic nature, I don't see unicorns and rainbows in our future.

sigh. Yeah it's really difficult. Family or not, if someone constantly upsets you and offends you and you decide it's better to not be in contact with that person, that doesn't seem reprehensible.
Well, in my opinion that is. And I live in a city and went to college, so according to some people in my family, my opinion is worthless...

see above.
I agree.
As I think you know; I am not in contact with my BioFamily for the most part.
my Chosen Family; of which you are part are a very different group.

Hugs.
I was an altar boy, I remember clearly Cardinal Law coming to town and swapping 'nigger' jokes with the Monsiegner and the Pastor of my church, as we got dressed for Easter Mass.
...
that pretty much sums up my thoughts on the catholic church and how it teaches love and tolerance.

God, what a horrible example. I've known priests who've been too "touchy feely" with children. Nothing bad every happened, they were just transferred. The fact that the Church won't fess up and deal with the abuse in their ranks invalidates anything else they have to say to others about morals.

I wish I got to talk to my uncle the Monsegnior about his opinion on those scandals before he died.

whats really awesome is this is the same person as Cardinal Law, who transferred rather than investigating touchy priests for all those years.
grrrr.

Don't forge that you're a woman, too. Isn't that three strikes?

*you may pummel me into unconsciousness the next time you see me for that*

Seriously, as my aunt told me on the phone later in the day, life is too short for issues to get int the way of family. I'm going to do my best to ignore his comments from here on out. If that means filtering out his comments, so be it.

Haha. Right I forgot! I'm a woman. Silly me.

Filtering seems like a good idea. I was shocked during my Texas trip when I was told that basically my desire to be together as family and not argue about religion and politics was not good enough because I am not saved and I live in a city and etc. etc. I tried to deflect the demands and questions by saying I just try to be a good person so let's change the subject, and was told outright that's not enough. Because you also have to be saved. This was not how I grew up, so this is a new battle for me. I'm sorry you've been dealing with it all your life.

It isn't diverging viewpoints that specifically angers me with the family members I have differences with; it's a refusal to think about it. (Dogmatic Republican Limbaugh-ism is the most horrifying.) I'll never disown my family; even the brother I loathe with a depth and breadth that is probably cancerous and necrotic is still my brother - if anyone outside my friends and family has a problem with him, I'll reflexively side with him, and even if they're logically right I'll still probably choose to be neutral rather than side against him.

But my close friends? They are far above my family in terms of support and caring they'll get from me. I have chosen them because they are amazing.

My eldest brother visited briefly yesterday afternoon, since he was in town for training. We talked for a couple of hours exclusively about technical things, because I won't respond on political or religious topics - he's so inflexible and impermeable to logic that I know it isn't worth it. He doesn't WANT information that disagrees with his worldview; if I mention science that contradicts anything he "knows", he generally only makes a joke out of it.

*sigh*

But then, most of my family (myself specifically included) is fairly batty in one way or another; there are reasons for that, and that's the reason I live far, far from them.

Wow. Fucking hell. I feel for your position with your family. For me it's gloating coworkers. I read an interesting essay once on how tolerance equates to the same thing as condoning a behavior. I don't know where the line is honestly, but I have come to the same conclusion about the current state of polarization. We liberals need to stop being quite so passive about our position and our belief that justice and intelligence will win out. The wave breaking against us is too strong. But how to do that without abandoning our values in the process?

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My family, my enemy

Well.

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