www.imacheatingbastard.com
Jul. 20th, 2009 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jchrisobrienOn the cover of the metro today is a stick figure cartoon of two smiling people in bed, a man and a woman. "37,852 people in Boston are looking to have an affair!" it gleefully states. The ad is for a service called AshleyMadison.com, a dating service for married people looking to have a Discreet Affair. What. The. Fuck. Should I start a web page for people who want to steal? How about a site where you can hire people to kill someone for you?
According to "some survey" 20 million Americans are in a sexless marriage. Whether she's too tired, or he's just not that into you, or she doesn't feel attractive, it's been a long standing joke that sex ends once you are married. I have numerous friends who can prove this isn't true, but let's leave that aside for a moment. The founder of IAmACheatingBastard.com believes that most men and women want to stay married, but are forced to find intimacy elsewhere. He thinks that he can help couples satisfy their sexual needs while keeping their marriage intact. His website has 4 million members. The founder claims his company didn't invent infidelity, and that people denied their sexual intimacy will get it elsewhere. He provides a safe site for people to do just that.
Wow, where do I begin. Lets look at the common factors of sexless marriages (these are the listed factors, not my definitions, not my research)
1. She's too tired. Sometimes, one or two of you are going to be in the mood for sex, and the other isn't. That's called reality, folks. Now if one party never seems to want to have sex or has the time/energy for it, talk to them and try to work something out. Maybe one of your can help out more and take some of the work off the other's back. Talk it out, and find a way to make the time.
2. He's Just Not That Into You - If you aren't into the person, DON'T GET MARRIED. Part of wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone means they are the only person you want to sleep with. Don't settle, be honest. If your partner just isn't exciting you, then find someone who will. Relationships are about more than sex, but be honest with how you prioritize it. Don't pretend it's not that big a deal, then get angry down the road when your drive changes.
3. She Doesn't Feel That Attractive Anymore - How you feel is ultimately up to you to control, but if your partner isn't feeling attractive, step up and show them they are. Treat them nice, work a little romance, pretend you're trying to woo them all voer again. Make them feel special. Marriage is a partnership, partners help each other out.
You want to know what really pissed me off about IAmACheatingBastard.com? The legitimize dishonesty. They are selling betrayal. There are all kinds of arguments about how humans are not monogamous by nature, how we are hardwired to find multiple partners. There are open marriages, and poly relationships, and all sorts of alternatives to monogamy. I'm not debating any of those points. What I'm mad about is a website that encourages someone to sleep with someone else while not telling their partner. If you aren't getting any satisfaction in your marriage, talk to your partner and find out why. Masturbation can scratch the physical itch, but there can still be emotional intimacy that is missing. If that's the case, then COMMUNICATION is once again the key. Talk to your spouse about seeing someone else, open up your marriage, or end it. You have kids complicating the issue? Go back to communication and compromise. Figure something out, but do it openly. Few things cut to the heart as much as finding out your SO is cheating on you.
Intimacy and romance aren't a given. Once that initial rush of chemicals and hormones and sex wears off, you need to build your intimacy on other things. Respect, trust, companionship. If you made a decision in your vows to cleave to one other alone, in sickness and in health, then do so.
Thoughts, comments?
According to "some survey" 20 million Americans are in a sexless marriage. Whether she's too tired, or he's just not that into you, or she doesn't feel attractive, it's been a long standing joke that sex ends once you are married. I have numerous friends who can prove this isn't true, but let's leave that aside for a moment. The founder of IAmACheatingBastard.com believes that most men and women want to stay married, but are forced to find intimacy elsewhere. He thinks that he can help couples satisfy their sexual needs while keeping their marriage intact. His website has 4 million members. The founder claims his company didn't invent infidelity, and that people denied their sexual intimacy will get it elsewhere. He provides a safe site for people to do just that.
Wow, where do I begin. Lets look at the common factors of sexless marriages (these are the listed factors, not my definitions, not my research)
1. She's too tired. Sometimes, one or two of you are going to be in the mood for sex, and the other isn't. That's called reality, folks. Now if one party never seems to want to have sex or has the time/energy for it, talk to them and try to work something out. Maybe one of your can help out more and take some of the work off the other's back. Talk it out, and find a way to make the time.
2. He's Just Not That Into You - If you aren't into the person, DON'T GET MARRIED. Part of wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone means they are the only person you want to sleep with. Don't settle, be honest. If your partner just isn't exciting you, then find someone who will. Relationships are about more than sex, but be honest with how you prioritize it. Don't pretend it's not that big a deal, then get angry down the road when your drive changes.
3. She Doesn't Feel That Attractive Anymore - How you feel is ultimately up to you to control, but if your partner isn't feeling attractive, step up and show them they are. Treat them nice, work a little romance, pretend you're trying to woo them all voer again. Make them feel special. Marriage is a partnership, partners help each other out.
You want to know what really pissed me off about IAmACheatingBastard.com? The legitimize dishonesty. They are selling betrayal. There are all kinds of arguments about how humans are not monogamous by nature, how we are hardwired to find multiple partners. There are open marriages, and poly relationships, and all sorts of alternatives to monogamy. I'm not debating any of those points. What I'm mad about is a website that encourages someone to sleep with someone else while not telling their partner. If you aren't getting any satisfaction in your marriage, talk to your partner and find out why. Masturbation can scratch the physical itch, but there can still be emotional intimacy that is missing. If that's the case, then COMMUNICATION is once again the key. Talk to your spouse about seeing someone else, open up your marriage, or end it. You have kids complicating the issue? Go back to communication and compromise. Figure something out, but do it openly. Few things cut to the heart as much as finding out your SO is cheating on you.
Intimacy and romance aren't a given. Once that initial rush of chemicals and hormones and sex wears off, you need to build your intimacy on other things. Respect, trust, companionship. If you made a decision in your vows to cleave to one other alone, in sickness and in health, then do so.
Thoughts, comments?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:14 pm (UTC)No, I think you said all that needs to be said.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:33 pm (UTC)You mention both; specifically, you mention that you see this site as marketing to (and maybe encouraging) marriages in which neither exists. And I have to say I agree that a responsible relationship with some one, one that you both supposedly put enough time and thought into to make it 'dedicated', should include both trust and communication. I think that if it doesn't, then it's time to break it off. I also agree that I personally find the site reprehensible.
But we all know that not everybody goes into a marriage having worked things through. And there's lots of things on the internet that I find reprehnsible, but I'm not always in the majority opinion. So unfortunately Mr. "Imacheatingbastard" gets to keep making money off of people with real relationship problems, and all we can do is concentrate on being good partners in our own relationships and hope he dries up for lack of business.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:40 pm (UTC)I could not more wholeheartedly agree.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:45 pm (UTC)14:42 in this video discusses the three mechanisms briefly. This doesn't mean understanding them will make everything OK, but it does help make sense of conflicting emotions a *little* easier sometimes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W2dsnhC18Q
But seriously, it's about a couple of things:
1) Completely agree that you need to communicate on all levels.
2) Don't let your emotions control you completely; step outside of your hamster wheel and observe what's going on, or you'll be at their mercy. If one of the three attachment mechanisms is telling you "I want this person outside my marriage", find out how that mechanism is mediated and *manage* it. This might mean avoiding spending time doing exciting things with someone new (if you have to do exciting things with them to feed that feeling, it won't last anyway) and instead spending time talking to them while doing the exciting things with your spouse, or any of many approaches. The point is that you *can* manage things, and if you're serious about a commitment, you'll do it. If you're hanging out alone and drinking with someone you're mutually attracted to all the time, but expecting that somehow, magically, you won't cheat, you're sabotaging yourself. You'll slip up eventually, and claiming innocence at that point is disingenuous at best.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 06:03 pm (UTC)I don't see the point in staying in a sexless marriage, and I think cheating sucks. I am a woman.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 06:29 pm (UTC)Ahh! I think the easist way to respond to this is that I mirror your opinions.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 07:14 pm (UTC)I didn't check out the site but on your word of it - I think you're exactly right - it's a site selling people the lies they tell themselves anyway and justifying it for them.
I think as long as sex can lead to disease and parenthood, it's not something a person should undertake with others without consulting their spouse.
I was thinking about it recently because the Massachusetts state standard is to give children an erythromycin salve at birth to prevent STDs. Now, you are required to be tested for STDs upon becoming pregnant. So, you might ask - how did you come upon new STDs while being pregnant? In the world of this website, you may never know you were exposed since your partner is having a discreet affair. I'm actually waiving this eye ointment because it can cause allergic reactions and I'm positively certain that neither of us are having an affair. But it made me realize, the way my midwife casually said, "But of course you could have contracted an STD since we did the tests" that it may be more common than one would think.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-21 12:28 am (UTC)If it said "37,852 people in Boston are looking to have sex!" on the front cover, I might snicker and forget about it, but the ashleymadison.com ad really annoyed me.