jchrisobrien | How do I say this?

Current Mood: tumultuous
Current Music: body and soul - love and rockets

How do I say this?

I'm taking a break from the scene. No more club nights for me, probably for about 2 1/2 weeks. If I feel a compelling urge to dance, maybe I'll try Phoenix Landing or even God help me the hip hop club at the Hong Kong. But the Goth nights are out. They're poisonous to me right now. Too many self important people in them. Too many people who shrink away from eye contact. Too many others who shine far brighter. That's probably the bigger of the two issues.

I've been told by several people that the clubs are horrible places to meet people, and that lately I tend to go there with the expectation of hooking up, instead of dancing. It's been suggested by more than one person that I need to broaden my interests or try different clubs in Boston for meeting people. Go to art showings, museums, theaters, leave the ratty club world behind.

There's a fundamental flaw in their logic. If going to the club to meet new people is "looking too much" or "trying to hard", how is going to a different location FOR THE SAME REASON any different? I could start going to Bill's Bar or the Enormous Room, but it's not because I like those places. It would be to meet non-Goth type folk, with the purpose of finding an interest. The same activity, with a different crowd. I also don't want to go to clubs with crappy house or hip hop (which I don't identify with at all) just so I can meet new people with whom I will have little in common. Yes, I still identify with a culture, and I like to go to the clubs with the music and fashion that I like. If you've grown out of your Goth faze and turn your nose up at the scene, hey, pat yourself on the back. Some of us still enjoy it, and like to go there. Except of course, when we don't enjoy it. But for different reasons.

My moods shift pretty quickly, but I'm going to try to hold to not going out, at least until Hell. I might try a few other clubs, or I'll stay home for a couple of weeks and watch movies or read. Because there's another reason for not wanting to go to the clubs. Which I'll get to in a moment.

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*nodnod*
The big reason I love the Boston goth scene and all of its various sites is that they are so evocative - the music, the smells, the look of the people, the tone of the social interactions all set up this incredibly dense and familiar atmosphere. And that reason why I love it has also, on occasion, been the reason why I've had to stay away from it at times when I feel like all those mood-cues are cuing me into patterns I've fallen into that I'm not enjoying or not comfortable with. The sensory richness and similarity of gothy spaces is enough to pull me right back into it, and I find myself feeling and defining myself in ways that sometimes, if I've had enough difficult experiences in that space, I'm otherwise struggling to get away from.

So I think your idea is probably a good one... changing one's surroundings and learning a new set of associations with feeling happy, feeling social, feeling bored, feeling angry can be a good way to start shifting patterns of interaction between you and the world that feel hopelessly entrenched.

If nothing else, trying out other scenes will either confirm what I like about the Goth scene, or show me that other venues are much better.

Defmatch was good to have around for that.

I don't think I want to ditch the scene entirely, there's still a lot about the music that I like. But some things I've left behind, and I don't miss them. Will this be one of them? We shall see.

changing one's surroundings and learning a new set of associations with feeling happy, feeling social, feeling bored, feeling angry can be a good way to start shifting patterns of interaction between you and the world that feel hopelessly entrenched.

Very, very well said.

I had to do this after the big breakup with Tony. I just had to stop going to ManRay Wednesdays, because I found myself thinking the same diseased things about myself that Tony wanted me to believe about myself - whether he was there or not. Things like, "Andrea is a weak person", "Andrea is a little mouse." I loved getting all dolled up and dancing there. Turning my back on it was hard, but totally necessary. I started going to Ceremony, which I initially hated, but which really was a different set of people for me, at the time. I moved out of my "comfort zone" (if you could even call it that). For the first few weeks there, I allowed myself to act really bitchy, I allowed myself to be angry. I wore completely different clothes from what I was used to. It was therapeutic. During my first real conversation with Fred, I was pretty obnoxious to him (something like, "You're not a goth at all - what the fuck are you doing here?"). He responded with some nice things, which made me re-evaluate him. I could tell he respected me (maybe based on my new take-no-shit demeanor). That's exactly what I needed.

--Andrea

I thought you were a strong person for putting up with his crap (I was so angry at him that the new year's eve party in brighton), and a strong person for dealing with the aftermath, the painfulness of I can only imagine. Just wanted you to know :)

Thank you so much for saying this! :-)

I remember that party, and the horrid realization when Paisley opened the door to let us in that she had no idea I existed until just that moment.

I also remember Chris and I silently moping in the living room. Chris, I didn't think you were creepy at all, and I had just met you. You had lovely long hair then (hint, hint).

My ex hated my long hair. But opinions do vary. :)

One person's creepy is another person's sexy brooding. *shrug*

hey silas - listen to this one, she's got good advice :)

totally avoiding the issues of "going out looking" and "goth vs. not" for the moment [because i think people have raised good points, i just don't have anything concise to add at the moment], have you considered checking out *other* goth scenes? Andrea tried out Ceremony, which was new to her; have you thought about checking out the western mass goth scene, or the providence one, or maybe even hartford? they're all more of a drive, but you're lucky enough to have a car, so they're all within reach. perhaps being in a new environment - where you can experiment with different approaches, or different takes on yourself, and where you can't chart out the sexual history of everyone in the room - will help you relax and enjoy things more.

and as for you, ms. dirtyknees - this:

During my first real conversation with Fred, I was pretty obnoxious to him (something like, "You're not a goth at all - what the fuck are you doing here?"

made me laugh my ass off :) i'm so glad that story developed the way it has :)

Those other scenes could be a possibility, if I have an all consuming need to hear Front Line Assembly and the like. Maybe I will accompany Jordan on a trip on Tuesdays. I hope to hit at least one non-goth club in Boston during my time away.

Is Defmatch still going on? Anitya?

Defmatch is still on hiatus and looking for a new home. The Phoenix isn't bad, but it's tiny. I'm curious about Circulate at An Tua Nua (it's house, breaks, techno, etc.), so if you want to check it out sometime with a familiar face, let me know. Also, Deftly-D (former High Voltage Circumcision and Boston Society of Mechanics) has started up a new noise/industrial night in Lowell on Wednesdays called Lumen Flux and that's probably less of a haul than Worcester or Hartford.

I think we could give Circulate a shot next week!

I'll be cutting ManRay AND Ceremony out. Both nights have been poisonous to me, Ceremony more so than ManRay. There's no where to go in Ceremony if you need to avoid things. You can go out front, but that looks conspicuous. ManRay at least has mulitple rooms you can float through.

Not seeing people at the club, might make me miss them enough to go to the parties. Even there, it could still be hard. Dammit, you're not supposed to feel uncomforable about your friends.

I think this will be a challenging 2 1/2 weeks.

Ceremony was always harder for me too in that way. There's seriously no escaping. i remember going out to smoke just so i'd have an excuse to walk around the block, to get some emotional breathing room. i think, as always, we're alike in that way. Some people can do the scene guiltless, arrogant, and caring nothing - *they* burn out because they're bored with it all. But i think people like us see things as much more emotionally palpable and character-forming, for better or for worse. i know i've come home plenty of times from Manray and sobbed and carved myself to pieces, and i've also come home absolutely ecstatic and in love with the world (granted, the latter has only happened a half dozen times at most, and usually coincided with my bed not being empty).
i don't exactly know where i'm going with this, but to say two things:
first, i understand the single thing. i'm coping in my own ways these days, it having been 7 months since i had a date. i got desperate and turned to boys and was only more depressed. But this week (perhaps it's a week of change for us all) i've taken it upon myself to insist on self-respect and to not go for the first thing that moves just because i'm lonely. i'm restructuring my life, too, and while i'll still be at the club as usual, i won't be there with the same motives. i'll be there to enjoy myself, not presuppose anything, and not expect anything. And i'm also ready to wait, and wait long, for what i deserve, not just what i can get at any given moment.
and second, i'll miss you somethin' terrible. i seem to have a problem with That One Good Honest Club Friend giving up the scene under emotional duress. It's happened three times now. i know it was a good change for the 2 people before you, but i still miss them so much it hurts. Perhaps we find people like ourselves in that way. i could never be true friends with someone who didn't think about what you're thinking about right now. So yeah, if you want to hang non-club, let me know. Or if you just want to talk, same deal. i'll be in Florence the week before Hell, but hopefully i'll make it back from the airport in time to go.

*hugs*

I've come home with nights of highs and woes. My bed was never full, but I had highs of incredible dancing and blissful sleep because of it.

I've kept my standards high, or what I thought were high. It could be that I keep chasing the wrong thing, but I haven't quite identified what that is. If there is a wrong thing, identifying it could reduce a lot of stress. If it's a lot of random coincidences, that's another story.

I don't think I'll be gone forever. Part of me feels like I could go back tonight. And I have that fine new skirt to wear out! *grin* But before i return, I want to see if i can straighten out my head, exorcise the ghosts of envy, and see people w/out growing remorseful.
I'll miss you too, a lot. And I still honor my earlier statement: I will taxi you home on Friday's if you go out. No tip required!

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