We are not meant for that, he said (or, why I wanted to park in the Charles)

[jchrisobrien]

What are you talking about, I replied. Thought I had a feeling I knew exactly what he was talking about.
The crowd was fairly sparse, but animated and flowing. We leaned back against the bar as a friend of ours talked to a woman. Little napkins sat in front of them with letters and numbers written in a shaky hand. Their heads leaned in close, the hands fluttering around them until coming to rest on the bar or the other's arm.
That. He leaned in close to my ear, words cold and precise despite the drinks he had.
We are not meant for that. Our time is past us.

And like an idiot, I believed him.

Perception is an image, and we all have images. To a degree, everybody has a persona. Some people have a carefully calculated image they have spent time in creating. Some people emphasize certain traits and habits depending on the company they are with, or the venue they are in. They have online personas, gaming personas, work personas. Some people's persona's are almost identical to how they really are, with a slight degree of editing so their more personal thoughts aren't always on display.

I have a persona, too. I used to think I didn't but it's there. It's fairly aloof and detached at this point. One part shyness, one part protection. Once I get to know people, I become much more open. Friday was an attempt to push past that persona. Try to make more eye contact. Smile more.

It was pretty useless. Eyes skittered away from mine like mercury under your finger. There was a moment of hope near the end of the night, which was dashed because I didn't know where a certain street was, so I couldn't give the person a ride home. Needless to say, I was a little bitter about it, and needless to say, I didn't mind sharing that with the rest of you.

Many people show restraint when using this forum, and rightly so. If you act stupid, it's there for the world to see. What you say and do here colors what people think about you. So be it. I had a bad night, a night of setbacks, and now you know it. You may rest assured that when I have good nights, you will know about those too. They will be portrayed with, perhaps, a little more discretion.

And so I shall leave you with this.

I am meant for this.
I am not past my time.
And I have the charts and figures to back it up.

Comments

[random-girl.livejournal.com]

Good. And yes, I agree. I have known for some time that people wear masks, even without knowing it. Otherwise we'd all be spilling stream of conciousness from our lips constantly, and simple questions like "Do you want fries with that?" would suddenly become existential contemplations.

Some people's masks are more or less real. And there is good in both the artificiality and the honesty. Artificial masks can hide who you are, but they can also allow yourself to transform into what you want to be. Sometimes other people have to believe things about you for you to believe them (ie, that you are beautiful, or funny, or the center of the crowd where once you believed that you weren't anything special and perhaps shy). The hard part with artificial masks is knowing what to change into, and what to shy away from.

Honest masks are good because people want to know who you really are--everyone doesn't want everyone else wearing a mask, just themselves. But honest masks have their dangers, too: too much honesty, and someone might not like you for who you are and hurt you, or be hurt by you inadvertantly.

Glad you got some clarity there. I have been feeling lots better, too. Mine was also self-doubting, but fate and some good old fashioned elbow grease have helped me find my way out of that mess.

Now to finding a new one! And a return toast to you, for finding your way

[silas7.livejournal.com]

Another issue with artificial masks is interpreting that behavior as what they are really like. Only time and different venues can show you what the person is really like. It's just like Natures and Demeanors. :)

The ideal thing to do, if a person doesn't like your honest mask, is to dismiss them. This is harder when you have a crush on said person, but it's essential for one's well being.

Fate conspired to help me too, and to put things in perspective.

[alonewiththemoon]

me and m are sorry that you had a low night but are happy that you came through to the light of day in the end. I think that i have somewhat similar feelings on occasion regarding dancing and so I sympathize. but you try to remember that time is only now, you can't be past now.

[silas7.livejournal.com]

The dancing part of the night was decent, the rest of it was less so. Still, the weekend conspired to put a lot of things into perspective. It definitely gave me lots of material and insights to work with.

[captain-grim.livejournal.com]

To say that your time has passed is bullshit, pardon me French. You do it because you FEEL like doing it. And when you DON'T feel like doing it anymore, you stop, but only when you're ready to move on.

I remember coming home from clubs, drunk, stoned, lonely, puking, whatever. And I used to think: why? So many aspects to that "why?" too. So I stopped going, because I didn't feel like it anymore, because it was my time to stop.

If you like to boogie, go boogie. But you're not going to click every night. No one is Mr. Amazing Party every single night. Just chalk it up to the night and don't go any deeper than that.

[silas7.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of difference between the person who gave me that advice and myself. That's important to remember.

I think a lot of my expectations are skewed when going clubbing, which are what lead to depressing endings. I have to remember why I want to go out, and when I do my time improves. As much as it seems that friends of mine go out with the purpose of scoring, I can't play that game. At least, I can't play and Expect to Win.

This is different from thinking that I can't win.

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

And like an idiot, I believed him.

Don't do that!

Glad you seem to be feeling better.