jchrisobrien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jchrisobrien) wrote2003-03-04 01:56 am
jchrisobrien) wrote2003-03-04 01:56 am
Hard choices
While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.
While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.
The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.
This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.
It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.
So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.
If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?
While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.
The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.
This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.
It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.
So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.
If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?
Re: This is the important stuff here...
Your forgot to mention Bridget and Ethan as another out of scene couple. I can bring up counter arguments as Michael and Tricia, Quang and Erin, Sean and Hilary, Jen and Kevin, Alison and Thomas, Mathew and Regina. All people who met in the scene.
The club is one of my main focuses, and what's wrong with that? I really like dancing, be it at raves or Ceremony or ManRay. I go where I like to spend my time.
People don't suck because they don't dance every week. It's fine for them to have outside interests. But if they are busy organizing LARPs, and I don't LARP anymore, and they don't like dancing. then we're not going to spend much time together are we?
Bogged down with school? Not much time for relationships. I don't care how often someone wears black, I do it because I like it, not because it's some fad. Some people can just jump blithely from scene to scene changing colors like a chameleon. I can't, and don't. I don't go to art openings, avant garde films, street fairs, bookstores, and coffeehouses because they bore me. I'm not interested. And if I go just to look for other people, then I'm Looking For Someone which is a recipie for disaster.
My negativitiy is based on fifteen years of scientific research and experiments. All during that time I've tried to change and I've failed over and over. The two times it worked out I ended up ruining. So I try to do what makes me happy: dancing at ManRay or the like. But now that makes me stubborn. Maybe if I liked these other options I'd go do them.
Wow, you're right. I am stubborn and negative.
I don't see how that radiates into a vibe people don't like.
Re: This is the important stuff here...
I don't see how that radiates into a vibe people don't like.
It doesn't have to, but it can. And since you are so insistent you've done everything else possible, it probably does. And to stereotype a wee bit, women generally pick on on nuances and vibes and go by intuition more than men. I don't know what else to tell you.
I did a poll on what people found attractive, rememer? http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?journal=spitcurl&itemid=73419
Re: This is the important stuff here...
I'm not sure if i explained myself well. I'm not sure how the negativity/stubborness emanates from me. If there are things I do that give it off, I don't know what they are.
I go out and say hi to people. I'm friendly and smile. I don't say a lot of stupid things, but I am witty. I don't think my posture gives off bad vibes.
That's part of my point. I keep thinking that I'm doing fine. I really don't go out with the intent of hitting on a new girl every time I go out. I keep thinking that I have that positive attitude. And things kep turning out as they do.
I guess right now I'm not in the headspace to even bother looking for anything. If I decide I like some of those other avenues, then I will check them out. It just happens that most of my interests are not dating friendly. I don't like LARPing anymore, or the SCA scene. If something came along at this point, I'd probably push it away just because.