jchrisobrien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jchrisobrien) wrote2003-03-04 01:56 am
jchrisobrien) wrote2003-03-04 01:56 am
Hard choices
While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.
While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.
The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.
This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.
It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.
So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.
If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?
While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.
The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.
This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.
It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.
So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.
If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?
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We'll see what happens, but I really don't believe anything will change. One could argue that I've never really let go in, oh, 15 years?
If I've really let go, and something comes along, I won't care. Because I'll have let go, and not want to deal with it. I won't trust it. And it won't be something that I want.
Except what I want seems to be denied me. Hmmm, a conondrum...
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Relaxing and focusing on what you have rather than spending all of your energy on wanting is a good idea though - and it's also the hardest thing in the world. By the time you perfect that you'll be able to start your own new-age yuppie religion. ;) Still worth a shot, though.... plus, it builds character. I was single for six years... I should know.
... and as for the "you find what you want only when you're not looking" line... keep in mind that I found the love of my life while I was already dating someone. I say sit back, do everything you can to make your life full of the things you have and love, and keep one eye open for the things you want and don't yet have.
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It's actually kind of easy. I'm just focusing on painting and looking for a job. The problem that I see with focusing on me or what I have means that I won't be aware of other things that come up. I'm really oblivious at noticing people noticeing me, there's a funny story of me dancing in Toronto, and not realizing this amazing girl was trying to make eye contact with me all night long! My friends called me a dolt.
Ergh. I'm not too inclined to keep my eye open at this point. Becuase when something does come along, I'll focus on it, and they will freak. And the cycle will repeat all over again.
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When/if I focus on myself, I am oblivious to a lot of things. So if things come along, I'll be likely to not notice. Or worse, I'll make myself completely desireable, and turn people down right and left because I've deciced that relationships are not worth it. I'm teetering on that point right now. It's not pleasant, but there it is.
Re-assessing... In a sense I might be able to do that and have some success, but that means giving up on something I've been looking for for over a decade. I'm almost at that point, but if I do that I fear I'd never get it. You see, I don't quite buy the "if you're not looking, you will get it" argument. I've sworn off of relationships a lot. Then someone new will come along, and I'll be interested... and it won't work out. So the moment I seem to show an interest, BOOM! Negation.
But maybe that means I just haven't hit total abandonment yet.
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This particular person has always been incredible insightful when reading me. We don't talk regularly, we have little contact. So I don't feel like she's pulling cues from my behavior or body language. Which makes it all the more disturbing.
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NONE of these things is going to give you an answer, only guidance. Anyone telling you anything different is full of shit. If you're trapped right now, maybe you need to look at what you have to do to alter that. When I get readings like that, I do a second I-Ching casting with 'So how do I change the trapped thing' as the question and ruminate on the result.
Only YOU can come up with your answers for this, no matter how you get the reading done.
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It's not an answer, it is guidance. And you've know me longer than anyone up here. You've seen me in this patter over and over again. I AM constantly looking at things that don't pan out. My initial reading told me I was trapped. So she did a second reading at my behest. And that's the one that said, I can either do what I'm doing and not get anywhere, or accept that what I'm looking for is unattainable, and concentrate on something else.
My problem is that the something else feels like settling, so for now I'm going to focus on being alone.
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perhaps a different perspective is in order. you see it as settling for less. but, in actuality, it may be that you're not looking from the right place. change your perspective.
oh yeah, and what everyone else said, too! stop looking and just enjoy yourself. :)
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seek and you will be lost.
like tony said, it is when you let go that things come to you.
and it does matter if you become fat slovenly gamer guy--for your own self-respect. be the greatest chris you can be, not for others, but for yourself.
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Exactly. And it's by focusing on ourselves and our lives and what makes us happy that we become more likely to attract others -- as well as making for more successful relationships.
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We'll see if this point is any different.
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And I know that "stop actively looking" really does sound nonsensical, or at least difficult, but it seems to work.
(Although my model of "assume no one wants you and ignore any hints to the contrary until they get exasperated and confront you" is probably a bit extreme.)
But in any case I'm not convinced that anything has to come down to a choice between "pursue the impossible" or "just give up, asshole."
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So is that activly looking?
It's not like I'm taking the "hey baby" look on everyone woman I run into.
I'm actually down with your model. :)
And I'me a little more convinced of the latter than you are. ;)
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Fair enough. I guess what it all comes down to (and believe me, this is one of those "easy for you to say, buddy" kinda things, as I well know) is: Try not to make it a driving concern and source of constant misery. You're a cool guy. It'll work out.
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We shall see.
In the meantime, I will amuse myself with downloading funk classics. :)
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The other doesn't. It could be argued that I never stop looking. Or I do, and something comes along, and I look. And it runs away. Or it gets snatched up.
And I've seen A LOT of my friends seek something, and get it. Now, perhaps that means that that works for them, but that's not the approach I need. In either case, I've started resenting them for that. Which is REALLY unworthy of me.
Hopefully, my current approach (abandoning what I want) will lessen the resentment, and let me just be happy. But if I'm happy being along, I won't want anyone eise. Another conondrum...
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Then again, I've just been painting, listening to loud industrial music, and drinking.
Speaking of which, pre-ManRay drinks and new Angel tomorrow?
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embrace the pain!
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Also if you grow a beard and let cheeto crumbs accumulate in it, I assure you, your friends will perform an intervention stat! ;-)
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I can see it now. "Put down the doritos, Chris, there has to be a better way!"
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And elder gamer stereotypes ad nauseam, emphasis on the nausea.
Don't be that guy.
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You need a change of perpective and a change of gameplan. Neither of those things involve lowering your standards, if you really don't want to lower them. But that is different from wanting what you can't have. Say you want a certain kind of relationship with a certain kind of person, and you do not want to change that. Then don't. What else can you change that you haven't already? Throw out your gameplan.
Where do you meet women? You are not connecting with anyone through your current haunts, so perhaps you need to consider meeting people in places and situations outside of the usual haunts. How do you interact with them? Talking about your frustration with dating is a good topic for friends, but not one you want to dwell on with a girl you are interested in dating. Negativity is not good for attracting healthy sane women. Confidence is key.
And so is meeting folk in the right locale/situation. Go out and try new things in new places. For one thing it opens up your social circle, and also the exposure to the unfamiliar will help you overcome shyness and feel more confident. And of course new faces, and less assumptions (club dating=not often serious).
Confidence, positive attitude, smiling, and change of venue. And dropping expectations, but not neccesarily standards.
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The people I see are getting what I want, whether that's what they really want, I'm not sure.
2. changes of perspective and gameplan. I'll buy that but I don't know where to start. That would imply having a gameplan, which I can't rightly identify yet.
3. I don't even consider meeting women elsewhere, for several reasons. Going outside the scene means I won't have a lot in common with them (in several different areas). I don't want to have to go to places I don't like just to meet people, because then I'm looking which everyone tells me equals "looking too hard." I'm sick to death of that phrase.
More importantly, it doesn't matter where I go. If there's a problem it's with me, not with the people. I have to fix what is wrong with me if anything is to change. If I give up the things I like to get someone, then I'm not doing myself a service. Or, maybe it's time to sell all my black and listen to the Beatles or something.
4. As above, I have no faith in new locations. I've tried a few, and gotten nothing. Not even a blip on the radar. I don't even care about serious, I'd be happy with a set of random hookups. But that isn't happening either. I've gone to raves, tried personal ads, nothing from any of that.
5. I'm afraid I just don't have the confidence or positive attitude. I have fifteen years of rejection, and two relationships that i fucked up for being an idiot. My smile is hollow, and my venue really doesn't matter. Why must I change what I am to get somewhere? I can drop my expectations. In fact, they are dropped about as much as I can. About all I can do now is just go out and dance, make a tiny bit of small talk, and not notice anyone. No one gets hurt that way.
I hope you read to the bottom of this. I'm really, really not yelling at you. I thank you for your advice. But I don't see anyone else having to do this to get what they want. Which makes me feel like if I do it, I'm a failure. Which isn't the mindset that will do me any good in these other venues.
take off the grumpy goth goggles :P I did once and it worked.
I know you're not yelling. Stop apologizing, I am a big girl and I can take it.
But I don't see anyone else having to do this to get what they want. Which makes me feel like if I do it, I'm a failure. Which isn't the mindset that will do me any good in these other venues.
No, not a good mindset in ANY venue. But you're wrong, sorry. Anyone? YOU are focusing on certain people in the scene who are getting what they want. This is not the norm, the majority, the truth, or the only way to go about things. The people you are looking at are confident, cheerful (at least outwardly enough to attrach notice), and also unusually attractive and non-threatening. When I say non-threatening, its does not imply you ARE threatening, but it means that these guys are either goofy and disarming, short or slight of frame, or androgynous--all of which are non-threatening and attractive to girls who like that sort of thing. You are not interested in changing your personality to be more confident, talkative, etc., then you will not get the same girls who are attracted to that sort of thing. Period. So you need to drop the comparison and look at other people who are more like yourself and still are getting what they want--and that means friends who are not in the spotlight on the dancefloor as much.
(This post got too long. I have more to say...)
Re: take off the grumpy goth goggles :P I did once and it worked.
This is the important stuff here...
First of all, if you haven't noticed, most people who have recently got into new relationships have found those people OUTSIDE the club, or even the scene. Take a look around:
Why must I change what I am to get somewhere?
How come you didn't notice me 3, 4, 7 years ago at the club? Huh? I've been going since 1994, dancing, gothing, whatnot. And while I said hi to dozens of people at the club, I had about 2-3 people I could call friends from the scene at any given time. I am not going to pretend to you that it was ever too hard to get a date--I was a young petite goth girl, young girl being the important part here. BUT--I WAS that girl who would stand next to my friends and watch them get approached by men and women all night long, and remain unnoticed myself. People who are snotgoths did this to me, among others, for years. Hell, even less than 2 years ago, I was out one night with my friend from CT, and she got instantly approached by people I see every week and who didn't know me, even though some are friends now.
What changed? I did. Inwardly, I still don't feel like I changed much at all, I am still the same person inside with the same thougths and values and attitudes. But outwardly, something cllicked, and it improved things for me, socially. It was during the lowest point I had in many years, and I went out, night after night, alone, to clubs, parties, events, anything to get me out of the house and around people. I was casually dating someone who was not what I wanted, but who gave me the friendship and confidence to try dating again for real, or at least to experiment more. I went out places where I only knew one or two people, and was left on my own to make my way. I was trying to forget relationship failure and loneliness and a terrible self-esteem, so I put on an empty smile for the first time in my life, and dressed up and went out. But what happened, to my surprise, was that fake smile didn't stay fake for more than a week or two. My smile got noticed, and my precence was no longer a wallflower shadow. People talked to me, people I saw for years wondered wear I CAME from. I grew confident on my own again, I didn't have to fake it. I met alot of new people and did alot of new things in new places. I started dating more compatible, more attractive guys. Eventually I worked on myself long enough that I was happy being single or dating casually, and I loved my new life. One day Rich and I met again, at an art opening, and had time to talk, unlike at a club or party, and it all just clicked. The end. But the key is there would be no Rich clicking, or even any cute dates, if I hadn't taken the plunge like never before. So there.
Your negativity is the vibe that is scaring girls away. And your stubborness to stay with what is safe and known and comfortable is holding you back from any change in the cycle. Sure, a change of venue is not the only answer, but the venture into the unknown is what could help you see yourself differently, and help your cause, as well as meet new people.
Re: This is the important stuff here...
Your forgot to mention Bridget and Ethan as another out of scene couple. I can bring up counter arguments as Michael and Tricia, Quang and Erin, Sean and Hilary, Jen and Kevin, Alison and Thomas, Mathew and Regina. All people who met in the scene.
The club is one of my main focuses, and what's wrong with that? I really like dancing, be it at raves or Ceremony or ManRay. I go where I like to spend my time.
People don't suck because they don't dance every week. It's fine for them to have outside interests. But if they are busy organizing LARPs, and I don't LARP anymore, and they don't like dancing. then we're not going to spend much time together are we?
Bogged down with school? Not much time for relationships. I don't care how often someone wears black, I do it because I like it, not because it's some fad. Some people can just jump blithely from scene to scene changing colors like a chameleon. I can't, and don't. I don't go to art openings, avant garde films, street fairs, bookstores, and coffeehouses because they bore me. I'm not interested. And if I go just to look for other people, then I'm Looking For Someone which is a recipie for disaster.
My negativitiy is based on fifteen years of scientific research and experiments. All during that time I've tried to change and I've failed over and over. The two times it worked out I ended up ruining. So I try to do what makes me happy: dancing at ManRay or the like. But now that makes me stubborn. Maybe if I liked these other options I'd go do them.
Wow, you're right. I am stubborn and negative.
I don't see how that radiates into a vibe people don't like.
Re: This is the important stuff here...
I don't see how that radiates into a vibe people don't like.
It doesn't have to, but it can. And since you are so insistent you've done everything else possible, it probably does. And to stereotype a wee bit, women generally pick on on nuances and vibes and go by intuition more than men. I don't know what else to tell you.
I did a poll on what people found attractive, rememer? http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?journal=spitcurl&itemid=73419
Re: This is the important stuff here...
I'm not sure if i explained myself well. I'm not sure how the negativity/stubborness emanates from me. If there are things I do that give it off, I don't know what they are.
I go out and say hi to people. I'm friendly and smile. I don't say a lot of stupid things, but I am witty. I don't think my posture gives off bad vibes.
That's part of my point. I keep thinking that I'm doing fine. I really don't go out with the intent of hitting on a new girl every time I go out. I keep thinking that I have that positive attitude. And things kep turning out as they do.
I guess right now I'm not in the headspace to even bother looking for anything. If I decide I like some of those other avenues, then I will check them out. It just happens that most of my interests are not dating friendly. I don't like LARPing anymore, or the SCA scene. If something came along at this point, I'd probably push it away just because.
*hug*
Re: *hug*