Hard choices

[jchrisobrien]

While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.

While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.

The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.

This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.

It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.

So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.

If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?

Comments

[arcanus.livejournal.com]

it's only when you can really let go that things happen. i think i remember having this discussion with you a while back. for some strange reason, when you go out looking for a relationship, everything always seems to go wrong. it's not when you give up that something flies out of left field and bites you pleasantly in the ass; it's when you believe fully in your heart that you're really not looking any more. it's happened to me a number of times as well as many others i know. of course the hardest part is actually letting go.

[mobilejessie.livejournal.com]

If you completely give up then the reading becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's not written in stone - even a good reading isn't 100%. Don't take this as a sign to give up on love forever... take it as a suggestion that mabe if you keep going about the hunt the same way things will take longer.

Relaxing and focusing on what you have rather than spending all of your energy on wanting is a good idea though - and it's also the hardest thing in the world. By the time you perfect that you'll be able to start your own new-age yuppie religion. ;) Still worth a shot, though.... plus, it builds character. I was single for six years... I should know.

... and as for the "you find what you want only when you're not looking" line... keep in mind that I found the love of my life while I was already dating someone. I say sit back, do everything you can to make your life full of the things you have and love, and keep one eye open for the things you want and don't yet have.

[heresiarch.livejournal.com]

I second what both Arcanus and Mobilejessie said, particularly about focusing on yourself and the things that are important to you in your life. Because your two other options are basically work on yourself, and re-assess what it is that you think you want. I don't think this necessarily means "giving up" or never being able to be as happy as you want to be. It means refocusing your energies. Tarot's not much use if it doesn't help us along our way -- but it can show us when we're putting our energies in the wrong direction, or wanting one thing when we have to work on other things first. It may be that what you think you want is unrealistic (I've certainly been in relationships with people who had very different expectations about what relationships mean than I did), but by working to make yourself happy and approaching relationships differently, you might ultimately find what it is you want.

[clayrobeson.livejournal.com]

Juet keep in mind that 'what you want' can mean 'what you're wanting RIGHT NOW'. If that want changes slightly, then maybe it's not a hopeless cause. The biggest drawback to Tarot and other readings done by OTHER people is that it's their interpretation of a message for you. That's why I prefer to do my own and use it as a guide, or medation point, rather than the gospel. Start reading that I-Ching book, boy.

[julishka.livejournal.com]

This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy.

perhaps a different perspective is in order. you see it as settling for less. but, in actuality, it may be that you're not looking from the right place. change your perspective.

oh yeah, and what everyone else said, too! stop looking and just enjoy yourself. :)

[vicissitude.livejournal.com]

wander and you will find,
seek and you will be lost.

like tony said, it is when you let go that things come to you.

and it does matter if you become fat slovenly gamer guy--for your own self-respect. be the greatest chris you can be, not for others, but for yourself.

[spriggan.livejournal.com]

i think you are on the right track.

[alonewiththemoon]

basically i second what everybody else already said. i was actually pretty content with being alone--excited about being alone, even--when I met Mathew, so there you go.

Also if you grow a beard and let cheeto crumbs accumulate in it, I assure you, your friends will perform an intervention stat! ;-)

[spitcurl.livejournal.com]

There is another way to interpret that reading, from what I see. Stop chasing what you cannot have, and accept that you cannot have what you want, could simply be: you're looking in the wrong place, for the wrong thing. You see friends getting what they want--do they want the same things as you, and are they using the same methods to get it? Are you sure?

You need a change of perpective and a change of gameplan. Neither of those things involve lowering your standards, if you really don't want to lower them. But that is different from wanting what you can't have. Say you want a certain kind of relationship with a certain kind of person, and you do not want to change that. Then don't. What else can you change that you haven't already? Throw out your gameplan.

Where do you meet women? You are not connecting with anyone through your current haunts, so perhaps you need to consider meeting people in places and situations outside of the usual haunts. How do you interact with them? Talking about your frustration with dating is a good topic for friends, but not one you want to dwell on with a girl you are interested in dating. Negativity is not good for attracting healthy sane women. Confidence is key.

And so is meeting folk in the right locale/situation. Go out and try new things in new places. For one thing it opens up your social circle, and also the exposure to the unfamiliar will help you overcome shyness and feel more confident. And of course new faces, and less assumptions (club dating=not often serious).

Confidence, positive attitude, smiling, and change of venue. And dropping expectations, but not neccesarily standards.