jchrisobrien | Hard choices

While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.

While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.

The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.

This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.

It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.

So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.

If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?

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3. I don't even consider meeting women elsewhere, for several reasons. Going outside the scene means I won't have a lot in common with them (in several different areas).

First of all, if you haven't noticed, most people who have recently got into new relationships have found those people OUTSIDE the club, or even the scene. Take a look around:

loxocele and

special_pete,

labellemargaux & her PauliB,

jackdaw and his NYC darling, myself and Rich, I could go on and on and on. And the fun part is that many of the people we meet DO go to the clubs sometimes, but its not their main focus, and its completely seperate from how we meet them, and so therefore an added bonus. Chances are 9 of 10 people you'd be interested in anywhere in this town have been to the clubs we frequent, just they might not frequent them themselves. Do they suck because they don't dance every week? Are they less compatible? No, they just may have busy lives which may be even more interesting than clubbing. They may be bogged down with school, or painting in their studio, or organizing LARPs, or acting at Medieval Manor, or whatnot. They may not even wear alot of black every day. Do you know how often I DON'T wear black? How often do you go to art openings, avant garde film events, street fairs, bookstores, coffeehouses?

Why must I change what I am to get somewhere?

How come you didn't notice me 3, 4, 7 years ago at the club? Huh? I've been going since 1994, dancing, gothing, whatnot. And while I said hi to dozens of people at the club, I had about 2-3 people I could call friends from the scene at any given time. I am not going to pretend to you that it was ever too hard to get a date--I was a young petite goth girl, young girl being the important part here. BUT--I WAS that girl who would stand next to my friends and watch them get approached by men and women all night long, and remain unnoticed myself. People who are snotgoths did this to me, among others, for years. Hell, even less than 2 years ago, I was out one night with my friend from CT, and she got instantly approached by people I see every week and who didn't know me, even though some are friends now.

What changed? I did. Inwardly, I still don't feel like I changed much at all, I am still the same person inside with the same thougths and values and attitudes. But outwardly, something cllicked, and it improved things for me, socially. It was during the lowest point I had in many years, and I went out, night after night, alone, to clubs, parties, events, anything to get me out of the house and around people. I was casually dating someone who was not what I wanted, but who gave me the friendship and confidence to try dating again for real, or at least to experiment more. I went out places where I only knew one or two people, and was left on my own to make my way. I was trying to forget relationship failure and loneliness and a terrible self-esteem, so I put on an empty smile for the first time in my life, and dressed up and went out. But what happened, to my surprise, was that fake smile didn't stay fake for more than a week or two. My smile got noticed, and my precence was no longer a wallflower shadow. People talked to me, people I saw for years wondered wear I CAME from. I grew confident on my own again, I didn't have to fake it. I met alot of new people and did alot of new things in new places. I started dating more compatible, more attractive guys. Eventually I worked on myself long enough that I was happy being single or dating casually, and I loved my new life. One day Rich and I met again, at an art opening, and had time to talk, unlike at a club or party, and it all just clicked. The end. But the key is there would be no Rich clicking, or even any cute dates, if I hadn't taken the plunge like never before. So there.

Your negativity is the vibe that is scaring girls away. And your stubborness to stay with what is safe and known and comfortable is holding you back from any change in the cycle. Sure, a change of venue is not the only answer, but the venture into the unknown is what could help you see yourself differently, and help your cause, as well as meet new people.

On the first part:
Your forgot to mention Bridget and Ethan as another out of scene couple. I can bring up counter arguments as Michael and Tricia, Quang and Erin, Sean and Hilary, Jen and Kevin, Alison and Thomas, Mathew and Regina. All people who met in the scene.
The club is one of my main focuses, and what's wrong with that? I really like dancing, be it at raves or Ceremony or ManRay. I go where I like to spend my time.
People don't suck because they don't dance every week. It's fine for them to have outside interests. But if they are busy organizing LARPs, and I don't LARP anymore, and they don't like dancing. then we're not going to spend much time together are we?
Bogged down with school? Not much time for relationships. I don't care how often someone wears black, I do it because I like it, not because it's some fad. Some people can just jump blithely from scene to scene changing colors like a chameleon. I can't, and don't. I don't go to art openings, avant garde films, street fairs, bookstores, and coffeehouses because they bore me. I'm not interested. And if I go just to look for other people, then I'm Looking For Someone which is a recipie for disaster.

My negativitiy is based on fifteen years of scientific research and experiments. All during that time I've tried to change and I've failed over and over. The two times it worked out I ended up ruining. So I try to do what makes me happy: dancing at ManRay or the like. But now that makes me stubborn. Maybe if I liked these other options I'd go do them.

Wow, you're right. I am stubborn and negative.
I don't see how that radiates into a vibe people don't like.

Wow, you're right. I am stubborn and negative.
I don't see how that radiates into a vibe people don't like.

It doesn't have to, but it can. And since you are so insistent you've done everything else possible, it probably does. And to stereotype a wee bit, women generally pick on on nuances and vibes and go by intuition more than men. I don't know what else to tell you.

I did a poll on what people found attractive, rememer? http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?journal=spitcurl&itemid=73419

I remember that poll. :)

I'm not sure if i explained myself well. I'm not sure how the negativity/stubborness emanates from me. If there are things I do that give it off, I don't know what they are.

I go out and say hi to people. I'm friendly and smile. I don't say a lot of stupid things, but I am witty. I don't think my posture gives off bad vibes.

That's part of my point. I keep thinking that I'm doing fine. I really don't go out with the intent of hitting on a new girl every time I go out. I keep thinking that I have that positive attitude. And things kep turning out as they do.

I guess right now I'm not in the headspace to even bother looking for anything. If I decide I like some of those other avenues, then I will check them out. It just happens that most of my interests are not dating friendly. I don't like LARPing anymore, or the SCA scene. If something came along at this point, I'd probably push it away just because.

Hard choices

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