jchrisobrien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jchrisobrien) wrote2003-03-04 01:56 am
jchrisobrien) wrote2003-03-04 01:56 am
Hard choices
While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.
While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.
The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.
This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.
It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.
So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.
If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?
While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.
The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.
This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.
It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.
So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.
If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?
take off the grumpy goth goggles :P I did once and it worked.
I know you're not yelling. Stop apologizing, I am a big girl and I can take it.
But I don't see anyone else having to do this to get what they want. Which makes me feel like if I do it, I'm a failure. Which isn't the mindset that will do me any good in these other venues.
No, not a good mindset in ANY venue. But you're wrong, sorry. Anyone? YOU are focusing on certain people in the scene who are getting what they want. This is not the norm, the majority, the truth, or the only way to go about things. The people you are looking at are confident, cheerful (at least outwardly enough to attrach notice), and also unusually attractive and non-threatening. When I say non-threatening, its does not imply you ARE threatening, but it means that these guys are either goofy and disarming, short or slight of frame, or androgynous--all of which are non-threatening and attractive to girls who like that sort of thing. You are not interested in changing your personality to be more confident, talkative, etc., then you will not get the same girls who are attracted to that sort of thing. Period. So you need to drop the comparison and look at other people who are more like yourself and still are getting what they want--and that means friends who are not in the spotlight on the dancefloor as much.
(This post got too long. I have more to say...)
Re: take off the grumpy goth goggles :P I did once and it worked.