Hard choices

[jchrisobrien]

While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.

While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.

The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.

This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.

It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.

So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.

If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?

Comments

[clayrobeson.livejournal.com]

Juet keep in mind that 'what you want' can mean 'what you're wanting RIGHT NOW'. If that want changes slightly, then maybe it's not a hopeless cause. The biggest drawback to Tarot and other readings done by OTHER people is that it's their interpretation of a message for you. That's why I prefer to do my own and use it as a guide, or medation point, rather than the gospel. Start reading that I-Ching book, boy.

Re:

[silas7.livejournal.com]

Dude, I've read the I-Ching book a fair bit, and did three readings from it. TWICE my reading was Hsiao Kao, Trapped Power. It's bad news, I fear the I-Ching :)

This particular person has always been incredible insightful when reading me. We don't talk regularly, we have little contact. So I don't feel like she's pulling cues from my behavior or body language. Which makes it all the more disturbing.

Re:

[clayrobeson.livejournal.com]

Are you sleeping with the coins under your matress? They need to pick up your 'vibe' before you use them... and maybe the reading you're getting ISN'T wrong. Maybe you are trapped right now.

NONE of these things is going to give you an answer, only guidance. Anyone telling you anything different is full of shit. If you're trapped right now, maybe you need to look at what you have to do to alter that. When I get readings like that, I do a second I-Ching casting with 'So how do I change the trapped thing' as the question and ruminate on the result.

Only YOU can come up with your answers for this, no matter how you get the reading done.

Re:

[silas7.livejournal.com]

I haven't slept with them there yet. But I will start.

It's not an answer, it is guidance. And you've know me longer than anyone up here. You've seen me in this patter over and over again. I AM constantly looking at things that don't pan out. My initial reading told me I was trapped. So she did a second reading at my behest. And that's the one that said, I can either do what I'm doing and not get anywhere, or accept that what I'm looking for is unattainable, and concentrate on something else.

My problem is that the something else feels like settling, so for now I'm going to focus on being alone.