Hard choices

[jchrisobrien]

While my faith is rather flimsy these days, I still believe in the supernatural. Or at least, Tarot readings. Or at least, readings from a certain friend of mine. Maybe I believe them more because she doesn't always give me smiles and flowers. She gives bad news, and occasionally good news. Tonight was one of those night.

While I'm more stable than I used to be I'm still running in circles in the relationship department. And that's not likely to change any time soon. (I can't remember when I've gotten so many bad cards.) In the end I asked her what I needed to do to break this cycle. So she did a rarity, which is give a second reading.

The crux of which indicated I had two choices: either accept that I can't have what I want, or keep chasing after something I can't have.

This seems to be anathema to me. To accept that I can't have what I want means I have to settle for less. And I've seen too many bad relationships, too much trauma to believe that settling for less can make you happy. And yet, if I hold to my guns and seek after what I want, I perpetuate the cycle.

It's doubly frustrating because I see plenty of people who (to my eye) get to have what I want. Whether it makes them happy or not I don't know, but they often end up with what I want. So it's hard to be sympathetic, which is also a bad thing. I shouldn't begrudge people their success. And yet I do.

So that's it. If there's going to be any change, I have to accept that I can't have what I want. Which seems like it will kill me. I mean, it won't. But in a sense it's the death of innocence. But I just can't settle for less. So I'll have to settle with being alone. Enjoy the hell of out my gaming, and such, because that's all I will get. God forbid I want something.

If I'm missing an option, let me know. Because I don't see another choice. If I held a crush for you, I'm letting it go. I'm freefalling now. I will continue to dance, and I'll try to take care of myself. But if I become that gamer guy with the large gut, and the cheetoes in my beard, well, it doesn't really make much difference does it?

Comments

[mobilejessie.livejournal.com]

If you completely give up then the reading becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's not written in stone - even a good reading isn't 100%. Don't take this as a sign to give up on love forever... take it as a suggestion that mabe if you keep going about the hunt the same way things will take longer.

Relaxing and focusing on what you have rather than spending all of your energy on wanting is a good idea though - and it's also the hardest thing in the world. By the time you perfect that you'll be able to start your own new-age yuppie religion. ;) Still worth a shot, though.... plus, it builds character. I was single for six years... I should know.

... and as for the "you find what you want only when you're not looking" line... keep in mind that I found the love of my life while I was already dating someone. I say sit back, do everything you can to make your life full of the things you have and love, and keep one eye open for the things you want and don't yet have.

Re:

[silas7.livejournal.com]

Well, that was part of the reading. I can either keep doing what I'm doing now, and keep going in circles, or accept that I won't get what I want. Which means that I could get something else. Or what I'm looking for isn't what I want. It's hard to say.

It's actually kind of easy. I'm just focusing on painting and looking for a job. The problem that I see with focusing on me or what I have means that I won't be aware of other things that come up. I'm really oblivious at noticing people noticeing me, there's a funny story of me dancing in Toronto, and not realizing this amazing girl was trying to make eye contact with me all night long! My friends called me a dolt.

Ergh. I'm not too inclined to keep my eye open at this point. Becuase when something does come along, I'll focus on it, and they will freak. And the cycle will repeat all over again.