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So here I am.

My plans to have a birthday party fell through. There was a conflict with another party the weekend before, and by the time a date was clear I figured most people would already be booked. I really wanted to see some of my friends, but I feared they couldn't make it. Or wouldn't. We are at the stage in our lives where many of us are married, have kids, or deeply committed relationships. Our jobs require a lot of work and focus and can't be blown off the way we used to in our twenties. People change, and friendships change. I've been making plans to catch up with people one by one, to keep those bonds of friendship alive. It's also time to let certain things go, and focus on friendships that are mutual and connected.

So far I've been out to Sin-O-Matic for a great night of dancing, though many unfamiliar faces. I tied for first place at a small Warhammer tournament the day after. Carousing plans had to be put on hold due to a early day of work today. Yes, I worked on my birthday (normally I take the day off) and no, there will not be an official party. I've done quite a bit with my life so far, and as I look back on it I feel a wave of satisfaction. My love for my hobbies continues to grow and sustain me, whether it's spinning fire or throwing dice. I can still dance and lose myself in the music. I've taken the necessary steps to confront the fear inside me and give myself the mental space to deal with them.

I feel special, and loved, and at peace with myself in a way that I don't think I've ever had before. I can't ask for a better present than that.