(no subject)

A brief entry for now. After much calling and checking for numbers, I finally got ahold of Carrie and we had our Buffy marathon tonight. She's pretty much left Boston and only comes back every half year or so, but I'm always happy to see her. She seemed rather happy, which I'm all for.

I also forgot what a good season of Buffy this was, how good a writer Joss was, until I saw several episodes back to back.

Ugh, time for sleep. More indepth posting tomorrow...

(no subject)

I love getting my hair cut.

The best part about it is the shampoo you get beforehand. They wash your hair twice, and then condition it, but each time they rub your scalp down. First with shot little scratches, then slower, deeper pressure with the balls of their fingers, little circles that travel across my head until I'm completely at their mercy and willing to do anything to prolonge the sensation just a little bit longer...

I've had the same barber, Michelle, for over a year now. She is always curious about my latest interest, and she keeps me up to date with what's going on in her life. It's nice to have someone to talk to, but it's also nice to just sit and get the attention, listening to the soft snip of the scissors. Then another final shampooing, but this time it's rushed as her next appointment comes in.

It's not often that I get the chance to have someone taking care of me. Usually, I'm taking care of myself, painting, playtesting games. All relaxing activities to be sure, but solitary. A lot of the people I know now have someone around them: lover, wife, husband, what have you. Someone to share things with. Intimacy. Closeness. My last few attempts to find someone to share with have failed. On one hand, I've been taking more chances and letting more people know how I feel about them. For all the good it has done. They really like me, and want to be friends, but both of them said the same thing: the stronger feeling just isn't there when they look at me.

Both of them went on to date someone else withing 24 hours of talking to me, or were already doing so when I popped my question. There are a few others I could ask, but one of them I think is keeping her distance because she knows I'm attracted to her, and doesn't want to shoot me down. The other... is very hard to read, may still be dating someone... its just unknown. I'd be happy just to be closer friends with them. But that's the funny things about friendships. You can't make them happen. They are organic, wild things that don't like to be forced. If someone isn't comfortable around you, nothing you do will set them any more at ease. The more you try, even if your motives and intentions are pure, the more they will move away, and tell others what a sketchy person you are, and the cycle swells from there...

I think I've done very well for myself since leaving Pennsylvania. I've entered into a large circle of associates, people I know well enough to talk to at clubs and go to parties with. Some I can have really decent conversations with. I'm sure in time that either the others will see that I'm worth talking to, or I'll get over my awkwardness and talk to them first, or I'll decide that it's not worth the time and effort to worry about it.

When you stop worry about belonging and just be, others will long to be with you.
That's what they say. In reality, not everyone is going to like you, even when you are yourself. And that's a bitter sensation. Still, just because you aren't the life of the party doesn't mean you aren't admired, or liked. And maybe that person you're looking at out of the corner of your eye, who you can't look straight at without blushing, perhaps they feel the same way about you.

And buoyed by that little thought, I'm off to visit Morpheus