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May. 8th, 2001 11:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jchrisobrienThe exhaustion and ache is beginning to settle in.
I got approved for a class on Windows 2000 training, it will take place next week for a week. Work is picking up the bill. It means a little earlier rising, but an earlier ending day. And when I'm done I should be a lot more familiar with the whole win2k thing. Taking a one week course won't make me a genius, but since I'm going to be using it everyday I'm sure a lot of it will stick.
Maybe some of the theory will carry over into a new job opportunity. Tony (Ali's boyfriend) is looking for someone at MGH to help out their sys admin. It's a Mac and Unix environment; worlds different than what I've done before, but it's a learning kind of job. Could pick up some mad skills for down the road, if I can hack it. I'll throw my resume at him and see what comes of it.
My painting job may have hit a snafu, as the guy I'm painting for really want to pay me in miniatures for an army I don't like playing anymore, or gift certificates for a game I don't play. I could start playing it, buy the rules and all with the certificates, but wasn't I saying before I'd like to spend my time on other things? Or on other people? Well, there's no one else Significant Other like to do that to... so it's back to old habits.
I wonder which parts of what we feel are real. We spend a lot of time fooling ourselves or fooling each other, putting on masks and chanting mantras to make ourselves feel better. But what about the parts when you are "honest" with yourself? Is that honesty, reality? Or is it just depression, your darker half talking to you. Why does a whisper from that shadow carry louder and farther than our conscious daytime self? Which reality do we keep close to our heart? If you ask me in the morning, when I just walked to work feeling the breeze on my skin and the sun warming me, I'd say things are great, life is wonderful. Ask me again at night, sitting alone, reading about other people kissing and connecting, and my answer will be different. Or at least I'd have to think about it more.
Broken record time again. Fuck that. Just because you have a bad day, or are tired, doesn't mean your life sucks. So what if you're a little heavier that you are "supposed to be for you height"? So what if you're single and every relationship you try to get it is fucked up by your intensity. It just means that for whatever reason, it was n't right and isn't going to happen, so deal with it and move on. Moments of happiness are fleeting and quicksilver, but they happen. You'll just have to drink them down where you can.
Those parts of you that pull yourself down, make you feel worthless, that bullshit. The feelings are real, but they are not your reality. Everyone has them, everyone works through them. Some people let them guide their life, let themselves make bad decisions that nuture their negative side. Eventually though, you just have to tell those feelings to fuck off.
I got approved for a class on Windows 2000 training, it will take place next week for a week. Work is picking up the bill. It means a little earlier rising, but an earlier ending day. And when I'm done I should be a lot more familiar with the whole win2k thing. Taking a one week course won't make me a genius, but since I'm going to be using it everyday I'm sure a lot of it will stick.
Maybe some of the theory will carry over into a new job opportunity. Tony (Ali's boyfriend) is looking for someone at MGH to help out their sys admin. It's a Mac and Unix environment; worlds different than what I've done before, but it's a learning kind of job. Could pick up some mad skills for down the road, if I can hack it. I'll throw my resume at him and see what comes of it.
My painting job may have hit a snafu, as the guy I'm painting for really want to pay me in miniatures for an army I don't like playing anymore, or gift certificates for a game I don't play. I could start playing it, buy the rules and all with the certificates, but wasn't I saying before I'd like to spend my time on other things? Or on other people? Well, there's no one else Significant Other like to do that to... so it's back to old habits.
I wonder which parts of what we feel are real. We spend a lot of time fooling ourselves or fooling each other, putting on masks and chanting mantras to make ourselves feel better. But what about the parts when you are "honest" with yourself? Is that honesty, reality? Or is it just depression, your darker half talking to you. Why does a whisper from that shadow carry louder and farther than our conscious daytime self? Which reality do we keep close to our heart? If you ask me in the morning, when I just walked to work feeling the breeze on my skin and the sun warming me, I'd say things are great, life is wonderful. Ask me again at night, sitting alone, reading about other people kissing and connecting, and my answer will be different. Or at least I'd have to think about it more.
Broken record time again. Fuck that. Just because you have a bad day, or are tired, doesn't mean your life sucks. So what if you're a little heavier that you are "supposed to be for you height"? So what if you're single and every relationship you try to get it is fucked up by your intensity. It just means that for whatever reason, it was n't right and isn't going to happen, so deal with it and move on. Moments of happiness are fleeting and quicksilver, but they happen. You'll just have to drink them down where you can.
Those parts of you that pull yourself down, make you feel worthless, that bullshit. The feelings are real, but they are not your reality. Everyone has them, everyone works through them. Some people let them guide their life, let themselves make bad decisions that nuture their negative side. Eventually though, you just have to tell those feelings to fuck off.
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no subject
Date: 2001-05-09 06:27 am (UTC)I know what you mean about not being able to tell the difference between depression and "truth".
The thing is, in my saner moments, I don't believe in things like absolute, inescapeable truths. So it's only when I'm a little out of my head that I can feel things (like you suck! you're ugly, and no-one likes you!) that seem absolutely, inescapeably true. Sometimes these delusions are the only things that feel real, because when I'm not delusional and moody, I don't let myself believe in things that are that real.
If that makes any sense.
Re:
Date: 2001-05-09 07:15 am (UTC)Maybe it's a function of the bad mood or depression. When you are down, you are overwhelmed by your current situation, and can't see anything else besides the thing that brought you down. All your options fall away.
I've been conditioned to believe in absolutes (good ol' Catholic upbringing), so it's hard for me to shake the ideal of there being concrete, unalterable Truths. There's a part of me that's frightened of the absence of truth. If there are no absolutes, if right and wrong are subjective, then there's a rapid spiral to everything being subjective, no rules, and then you do whatever you want.
It's too bad that when we're out of our head, "reality" seems clearer. But to counter that, there are times when I'm out of my head in a good way, really enjoying a moment, when anything does seem possible and all is right with the world. Clarity.
no subject
Date: 2001-05-09 07:37 am (UTC)overwhelmed by your current situation, and can't see anything else besides the thing that
brought you down. All your options fall away.
i kind of see this as a good thing for myself, as it kind of serves as a forceful reminder that there's something i need to deal with, right not, and it lets me focus all my attention on it (whether i like it or not).
of course, i hardly have what is often termed as clinical depression, just major funks that come and go...
Re:
Date: 2001-05-09 08:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-05-09 08:20 am (UTC)but you're right, it does depend on an ability to view yourself with an almost scientific eye, and process and deal with a lot of emotional 'data'...
no subject
Date: 2001-05-09 07:21 am (UTC)i've always been perversely happy when i've been taken down by a bout of depression. i seem to think much more clearly and feel much more intensely; breaking down the wall between thoughts and emotions is always easier, and i always come out of it with a very clear head and a firm sense of direction.
Re:
Date: 2001-05-09 07:58 am (UTC)Thinking and feeling... I think if you're feeling a desire to go out and do something, then you should act on it. Every so often you want a change of scenery, to do something you don't normally do. Perhaps it's your subconscious telling you you're in a rut and you need a little change. Should you always follow your heart? I'm not as convinced of that. I've seen people struggling with co-dependency, but that's not quite the same thing. It's complex.
no subject
Date: 2001-05-09 08:35 am (UTC)on thinking and feeling... my problem has always been how to determine which is really stemming for your 'true self.' i don't see anything wrong with admitting to yourself that you're a miserable bastard and don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. if you're sure that's the case, and you feel the urge to go out, it could be just some societal influence sneaking its way in, cuz staying at home is 'bad' and going out is 'good.' see what i mean? this is the case of "i feel x, but i think i should y because it'd be 'good for me.'" who's saying it's good for you? is it some little voice that you should listen to, or something externally influenced that you should ignore?
that's the true dilema for me. complex is an understatement.
Re:
Date: 2001-05-09 09:17 am (UTC)Thinking v. Feeling. If you admit that you are miserable, or just want to stay at home, but still feel the need to go out, then maybe there's part of you that does want to go out on occasion, but generally prefers your own company. If you really never needed others, you wouldn't feel the need to go out, or it would be easily quashed. I know people who are perfectly content to lock themselves away and never see anyone. And they don't even have a computer!
Going out v. staying in varies from person to person. Culturally, we are a social people: going out, meeting friends for whatever. These days, with increased internet access, we can still interact with people w/out having to see them. You can still be "social" even though you aren't physically present with them.
Usually, you can think something through and decide if the voice saying "it's good for you" is coming from youself, or from your friends or society-at-large. Trust your self the most, your friends somewhat, and society-at-large not at all. :)
If you listen to the little voice, and do what it says, and you end up not having a good time anyhow, then you're better off trusting your own instincts. If you do listen to the little voice, give it free reign, don't try to stifle it or second guess it once your out.
no subject
Date: 2001-05-09 08:47 am (UTC)agreed