Crumbs

[jchrisobrien]

I barely made it to Liquid last night, but Jason was still there and he cut my hair. We ended up with a sort of medusa look that I doubt I'll be able to reproduce, w/out buying some Spike. I didn't work out again, for reasons I'm still kicking myself over.

If I can scrape together the money I will visit an old flame in Los Angeles in the spring. This will be dependent on my job going full time so I can get paid time off.

I placed a second phone call for a consultation session. I have yet to hear a response.

There are times when I can analyze things that are going on, and figure out what I need to do. I lack the will to do them, in most cases. How you do not get upset about something? You can decide or figure out that you should relax about things, but how do you actually do so? I'm not sure if this is something that anyone can help you with. You can either let it go, or not. Medication could help, but there are scary stories about how it affects you.

Intellectually, I should stop looking at what other people have, and look at what I have. Think about my gifts and strengths (since I think so much about my weaknesses). Ignore what other people have or do and just look at me. But it's really, damn hard. Should it be that hard? That's the heart of the question, isn't it.

Comments

[sbazzy.livejournal.com]

There are times when I can analyze things that are going on, and figure out what I need to do. I lack the will to do them, in most cases. How you do not get upset about something? You can decide or figure out that you should relax about things, but how do you actually do so? I'm not sure if this is something that anyone can help you with. You can either let it go, or not. Medication could help, but there are scary stories about how it affects you.

i'm with you there, though i probably couldn't get out of bed without medication.

Intellectually, I should stop looking at what other people have, and look at what I have. Think about my gifts and strengths (since I think so much about my weaknesses). Ignore what other people have or do and just look at me. But it's really, damn hard. Should it be that hard? That's the heart of the question, isn't it.

i'm so with you. all the way. like, seriously.

[silas7.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there are cases when medication is needed, don't get me wrong. I've had my issues with things over the years, but I remain a functional human being, with the same lapses that anyone would have. I'm leery of medication, because I don't want a doctor giving me medication and not even trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

It is difficult, but I think it can be done. It's not perfect, and there will be relapses, but the relapses should just serve to push us back on the track, and over time perhaps the relapses will weaken, and fade.

[sbazzy.livejournal.com]

i have a friend who was diagnosed with depression in her pre-teens. she was on prozac for years and it killed her creative spark. she finally took herself off it, and over time, was able to help herself with yoga, meditation, healing work and psychadelics. i really want to link to her entry on this topic, but it's friends only :(

[silentq.livejournal.com]

So go out and buy some Spike! :)

As for retraining your thought processes, can you recognise when you're having non constructive thoughts taking over? Would writing them down in a paper journal help at all? Especially if you dig down through at least a few levels of "why"? I'd probably suggest seeing someone who's trained in giving advice, anything from me is just going to be based on what works for me, and I think I've gone on at you enough about that. :)

[silas7.livejournal.com]

I'll have to cruise by Liquid again for some product.

I can recognize it sometimes, it's just a matter of trying to stop it once it's in motion. Emotions handle like a lincoln town car, they don't turn around on a dime! Writing them down privately would help, I keep meaning to do it, but don't. I have tried someone, but haven't heard back from them. I'll have to try again next week.

I'll have to do more writing next week as well.

[random-girl.livejournal.com]

I started letting things go when my boyfriend at the time (now my hubby) cringed in front of me and said "Lori, I love you. I have a terrible memory. Forgetting to do things that you hate that I forget to do doesn't mean I think less of you and more of me. It means I have a bad memory."

Then he went on to say that if we were going to work, I needed to let go. He agreed he needed to do something about his memory. His, I think, was easier. First notes, then a palm pilot. External stuff. Letting go of stuff is not so easy.

But I realized that he said what I was worried about when I was holding on. That the things he did made me feel he thought less of me and more of himself. In fact, that was not the case, and he had a perfectly good reason for what happened.

Since then, I've been able (to varying degrees) logic myself out of holding on to other things, based on the same logic: people do stuff and I don't always know the reason. And the reason isn't always that they don't like me, respect themselves, or some other negative reason.

If I know why, or can even conjecture to know why, I can get a little peace knowing that it was not the why that I was terrified it would be, spelling my doom.

As for other small stuff, you know, the things you beat yourself up over and can't let go of. The previous commenter got it right--you need to be aware of the cycle. When you hear the negative loop, you need to raise your head and say "wait, I don't want to feel this way. What can I do to stop?"

I make mental lists. I pretend I'm helping a friend (who is not me) and ask her to explain what's wrong (the list). I then go through the list and what I know of myself (my patient) and suggest like a third-party observer why I'm beating myself up, and what I really need to do to make it stop.

But its different for everyone. Maybe you need to talk to someone when it starts. Or write it down. Or, and this is no crime, go do something else. Accoridng to the study I did my thesis for college on, men are the kings of escapism as a coping mechanism. They find that the loop breaks when they distract themselves. Then they can be constructive about it later. So a perfect solution is to play good music, watch TV, go for a run, see a movie, scream like a maniac for no reason...whatever.

Good luck with the job stuff and a solution to this question. I have suggestions, but like all journies, I am still running through this process myself.

[silas7.livejournal.com]

Knowing people do things for reasons that have nothing to do with me is a lesson that I know, but tend to keep ignoring. It's easy to put all the blame on myself in those situations. It's harder to remember that sometimes there is no blame to place. That's how things are.

I hit that level of awareness Wednesday night, where I was consciously trying to change my mood. It didn't happen on the way over, but eventually I started dancing and my mood changed, I let it go. It was a physical sensation rushing through me, I felt lighter and more energetic. I think that one thing I can do when something is bothering me, is to get away from it. Stop doing the thing that aggrivates me and do something else for a while, and then return to it.

The "viewing myself in the 3rd party" could be an interesting approach. I'll see if that works for me.

Suggestions are all we have. No one should have the answer for someone else, but they can point you in directions where you can come upon the answers on your own in the fullness of time.

I sound like a BBC announcer. *S*

[shnells.livejournal.com]

well if you've been following my journal, i've sort of been going through this process myself. the way i've dealt with it is to get fed up wiht myself, get my butt in gear and start doing things that are more productive and make me feel good. stop doing things that are centered around physical or material things. do things for your soul. do something expressive. myself, i started dance classes and voice lessons. i have an outlet and i see myself improving all the time. i see myself doing things that other people are not doing and i may not be the best at them, but i'm having a blast.
perhaps also, you may be too self-involved. i don't mean this in the negative connotation but more in its literal sense where you can only look at others and the world in reference to yourself and you can only analyze yourself based on you. this is really hard to explain. but the point is, step out of yourself. instead of looking at what others have or even what you have, look at things around you. admire a beautiful sunset or the shape of a tree or take joy in the breath of wind on your face. this sounds very hippyish, but it gets you out of yourself. makes you less self-conscious and more self-aware. and then all those other little things don't really matter. well that's what helped me anyways. i don't know what's going on with you too much, i'm inferring a lot from stuff you've written but i hope this helps somewhat. and i agree with silentq, get your butt in gear, buy some spike and experiment. that's what jason would tell you to do.

[silas7.livejournal.com]

I have a ton of things that could make me feel good, it's a matter of finding time! I'm getting back on schedule with the gym. I should do some more painting. Even if I get angsty about playing cards or warhammer, the painting side of it is very calming and relaxing. I'd say painting falls in that soul relaxing category. So would reading. Time to raid cris's book collection!

I get the self absorbed bit. The other day I stopped outside for a bit to feel the wind, since I love windy days. Driving home the other night the clouds were solid and thick around the horizon, it looked like I was driving towards a massive mountain range. It was an amazing feeling.

[brigid.livejournal.com]

it's hard not to compare yourself to your friends, i find myself doing that alot at the moment. part of me is really excited to be graduating in the spring and is very proud of putting myself through college while working, etc etc etc. and then i think "wow i'm 25 and i'm just getting my bachelors now" and then i look at people i know with phds and i get disheartened. but then i realize our situations were alot different, and just because i am doing things at a different rate does not make my accomplishments subpar.

but the point is, what my friends have, really has little to no bearing on my life, and it really never will. instead of feeling like i am competing with my friends, i should only be in competition with myself

[silas7.livejournal.com]

Those are hard feelings to fight against. It's one thing to say that I accomplish things at my own rate, but you could also say that I'm lazy, and which would be the right answer?

I'm finding it very easy to envy my friends at this point, almost to the degree where I can't be satisfied with what I have because of what they have. That really has to stop. Your last paragraph is very accurate. If someone else becomes a millionaire when they are 18, or gets a Phd or a CEO position, that doesn't impact my life at all. It won't make me dumber, smarter, richer, or poorer. There's no point in envying them what they have. I just have to keep shouting that mantra over and over in my head until it drowns out the envying side. Or something like that.

[franticnights.livejournal.com]

You can decide or figure out that you should relax about things, but how do you actually do so?

Am still working on that one, though I have it on good authority (my best friend, Tiph - medical student) that it can be done!

*hugs* x H x

[silas7.livejournal.com]

I seem to have figured some of that out the other night. Now to see if I can repeat the experience. Thanks for the support! *hugs*