Sucker Punched
The past few therapy sessions have all been brutal examinations. The last session pinned down my fears of trying new scenes, and the distressing conversation I had with a friend earlier that day. The feeling of being powerless and my hatred of it factored heavily. Talking about things did help for a change, and I left with a lighter load and a strong desire to eat badly. The rest of the night was low key.
Saturday that feeling of powerlessness returned threefold as I was smashed up an down in a tournament. The second game especially sunk me to a black place like I've seldom seen at an event before. Throwing dice, tape measurers, sullen silences broken by loud profanity. I could hear the snickers from other tables, and choked down the urge to throw something at them.
Rage quitting was a serious consideration, but that would mean someone else would be out too. I stuck around, won my last game, and ended up tying for last with the person that I beat.
That's two wins and seven losses in the past three events.
When the dice don't go my way, it infuriates me like few things do. Dice rolling isn't a skill, you can't practice and get better at it, so when they consistently don't go my way, it makes me feel powerless, which taps into the feelings I had growing up as a child. I was powerless then to make people stop picking on me, or like me, or want to be friends with me. I hate feeling powerless like that. I need to work on a way of severing that connection between what's happening now and what happened Then. Triggers today take me back to the past. Break the connection to the past, and I can keep things in perspective.
I'm not going to drop out of my big tournament in two weeks. My goal now is not "to have fun", it's to "not let my temper get the better of me." Oh, and "Don't play to fail." I should also add "Bring two bottles of Kraken."
I can tell spring is almost here. The skies are clearer and brighter, even if they still carry the chill air of February. The chill woke me up as I walked to Alewife to take the T to Harvard for supplies for my display board. The afternoon and evening were spent gluing, priming, painting, and assembling. Even when the dice don't go my way, I do get a lot of satisfaction out of creating things. It was a nice end to an other wise mentally bruising weekend.
Saturday that feeling of powerlessness returned threefold as I was smashed up an down in a tournament. The second game especially sunk me to a black place like I've seldom seen at an event before. Throwing dice, tape measurers, sullen silences broken by loud profanity. I could hear the snickers from other tables, and choked down the urge to throw something at them.
Rage quitting was a serious consideration, but that would mean someone else would be out too. I stuck around, won my last game, and ended up tying for last with the person that I beat.
That's two wins and seven losses in the past three events.
When the dice don't go my way, it infuriates me like few things do. Dice rolling isn't a skill, you can't practice and get better at it, so when they consistently don't go my way, it makes me feel powerless, which taps into the feelings I had growing up as a child. I was powerless then to make people stop picking on me, or like me, or want to be friends with me. I hate feeling powerless like that. I need to work on a way of severing that connection between what's happening now and what happened Then. Triggers today take me back to the past. Break the connection to the past, and I can keep things in perspective.
I'm not going to drop out of my big tournament in two weeks. My goal now is not "to have fun", it's to "not let my temper get the better of me." Oh, and "Don't play to fail." I should also add "Bring two bottles of Kraken."
I can tell spring is almost here. The skies are clearer and brighter, even if they still carry the chill air of February. The chill woke me up as I walked to Alewife to take the T to Harvard for supplies for my display board. The afternoon and evening were spent gluing, priming, painting, and assembling. Even when the dice don't go my way, I do get a lot of satisfaction out of creating things. It was a nice end to an other wise mentally bruising weekend.