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May. 20th, 2001 11:13 pmMy page has been scrambled all weekend. I'm sure I'll get a chance to read it again someday. Perhaps you can even read this now.
There were some high points to this day. Seeing the Mummy Returns (too fast paced at times, but enjoyable) and the Season Finale of the X-Files (a little anti-climatic, but nicely so). There were some low points to this day. Very low. Low enough that I'm not going to talk about them, only to say that if you learn your lesson, then it can't be all that bad.
I want to be angry at myself, yell and scream at my stupidity and weakness, but it wouldn't do any good. Doesn't change anything. What happened to me? I used to be proud of myself. Sure, I was depressed and had negative self esteem, but there were parts of me that were exemplery, just, strong. Where is that now? Gone, that's where. I'm left with a shell that goes to work, then the gym, then home to sleep. My hobbies aren't fun anymore. The clubs I go to are going to shit. Everything is falling apart inside. The shell is fine, it's in good working order. Inside there's just wind blowing through empty rooms.
My friends have told me (in moments of honesty) that I try too hard. I want people to like me so much I have to keep proving it over and over. I don't know what they mean. I think I do things because I like people and want them to be happy.... and then the other thought hits me, slides in unseen just after the other words and you want them to like you, don't you? I'm sure they do, they like me well enough. Am I close to them? I don't know. I try to be open or talk to people, but it doesn't always work. Some people get pushed away, give off wierd signals. I know this because I give off wierd signals: desperation, a certain pathetic "why won't you like me"?
See... The little voice says. You're doing it again. Acting all shy and mopey and depressed and hand-stapled-to-forehead, so they will come and read and pity you in your dredged up constructed plight. Why don't you just be happy and let life roll off your back and GET OVER IT??
Why? Because at this time and place I am disgusted and despondant. It happens to all of us, you know? I always used to vent to people about how miserable I am, now I can vent that here. Yes, I KNOW people can and do read this, but I need some form of release.
How much shit has to happen before you change for the better? For all my talk about the inevitability of change earlier, I seem to be staying the same. Or at least one facet of my life remains the same. All I seemed to see this weekend were either happy couples, or perpetual bachelor.... damn I can't even finish the sentence. The little voice just won't shut up. contradicting me, preventing me from typing things that are bullshit.
Maybe I need to meet new people. New women at least. I've exhausted my options around here. If anyone among my current friends (who I could like) liked me, they would have let me know by now. And the others I've asked have declined my offer.
Some of them were interested, but it never worked out. I'm sorry about that, I apologize for being clueless, for not knowing what I want, for thinking too much, for putting pressure on you.
I once asked a friend of mine about rituals of death and rebirth. I wanted to commit spiritual suicide if you will, kill off the bad parts of myself, myself period, and create a new personality, a me that I was proud of. I only proved that I didn't know shit about such things. You can't go through a little ritual and fix your entire life. I was always one to wish for quick fixes, snapping my fingers and PRESTO your life is better. I think almost everyone on the planet has things about them that they don't like, demons that they wrestle with. So it's not like I'm alone here.
Well, physically I am.
I can't help it. I keep saying I'll settle for anything, long term, short term, whatEVER just give me something. Then I learned that are things I don't want. I've found lines by crossing them. Experiences is the best teacher. Insert lame-ass quote here.
The little voice returns. For Christ's sake. If you go walking around broadcasting your need like a fucking car alarm, you on'y going to drive people away, make the all uncomfortable around you. Just relax, would you fucking relax?
Did you ever think that all of this crap you put yourself through is created by you? That you invent and add drama to your life which is pretty fucking ideal by most standards? You're good at everything you do. You're not the best, but nothing is a challenge for long. Remember you saxophone playing? Best soloist in the school. Remember your black belt? Remember your academic awards, breezing your way through school, your painting your varied tournaments won? Are you paying attention here???
I need to shout at myself less. I know what I'm doing wrong. I know what's beyond my control. I have to forgive myself my faults and accept myself. Here I am, here's what I've done, here's what I hope to do. I hope it's not too late.
There were some high points to this day. Seeing the Mummy Returns (too fast paced at times, but enjoyable) and the Season Finale of the X-Files (a little anti-climatic, but nicely so). There were some low points to this day. Very low. Low enough that I'm not going to talk about them, only to say that if you learn your lesson, then it can't be all that bad.
I want to be angry at myself, yell and scream at my stupidity and weakness, but it wouldn't do any good. Doesn't change anything. What happened to me? I used to be proud of myself. Sure, I was depressed and had negative self esteem, but there were parts of me that were exemplery, just, strong. Where is that now? Gone, that's where. I'm left with a shell that goes to work, then the gym, then home to sleep. My hobbies aren't fun anymore. The clubs I go to are going to shit. Everything is falling apart inside. The shell is fine, it's in good working order. Inside there's just wind blowing through empty rooms.
My friends have told me (in moments of honesty) that I try too hard. I want people to like me so much I have to keep proving it over and over. I don't know what they mean. I think I do things because I like people and want them to be happy.... and then the other thought hits me, slides in unseen just after the other words and you want them to like you, don't you? I'm sure they do, they like me well enough. Am I close to them? I don't know. I try to be open or talk to people, but it doesn't always work. Some people get pushed away, give off wierd signals. I know this because I give off wierd signals: desperation, a certain pathetic "why won't you like me"?
See... The little voice says. You're doing it again. Acting all shy and mopey and depressed and hand-stapled-to-forehead, so they will come and read and pity you in your dredged up constructed plight. Why don't you just be happy and let life roll off your back and GET OVER IT??
Why? Because at this time and place I am disgusted and despondant. It happens to all of us, you know? I always used to vent to people about how miserable I am, now I can vent that here. Yes, I KNOW people can and do read this, but I need some form of release.
How much shit has to happen before you change for the better? For all my talk about the inevitability of change earlier, I seem to be staying the same. Or at least one facet of my life remains the same. All I seemed to see this weekend were either happy couples, or perpetual bachelor.... damn I can't even finish the sentence. The little voice just won't shut up. contradicting me, preventing me from typing things that are bullshit.
Maybe I need to meet new people. New women at least. I've exhausted my options around here. If anyone among my current friends (who I could like) liked me, they would have let me know by now. And the others I've asked have declined my offer.
Some of them were interested, but it never worked out. I'm sorry about that, I apologize for being clueless, for not knowing what I want, for thinking too much, for putting pressure on you.
I once asked a friend of mine about rituals of death and rebirth. I wanted to commit spiritual suicide if you will, kill off the bad parts of myself, myself period, and create a new personality, a me that I was proud of. I only proved that I didn't know shit about such things. You can't go through a little ritual and fix your entire life. I was always one to wish for quick fixes, snapping my fingers and PRESTO your life is better. I think almost everyone on the planet has things about them that they don't like, demons that they wrestle with. So it's not like I'm alone here.
Well, physically I am.
I can't help it. I keep saying I'll settle for anything, long term, short term, whatEVER just give me something. Then I learned that are things I don't want. I've found lines by crossing them. Experiences is the best teacher. Insert lame-ass quote here.
The little voice returns. For Christ's sake. If you go walking around broadcasting your need like a fucking car alarm, you on'y going to drive people away, make the all uncomfortable around you. Just relax, would you fucking relax?
Did you ever think that all of this crap you put yourself through is created by you? That you invent and add drama to your life which is pretty fucking ideal by most standards? You're good at everything you do. You're not the best, but nothing is a challenge for long. Remember you saxophone playing? Best soloist in the school. Remember your black belt? Remember your academic awards, breezing your way through school, your painting your varied tournaments won? Are you paying attention here???
I need to shout at myself less. I know what I'm doing wrong. I know what's beyond my control. I have to forgive myself my faults and accept myself. Here I am, here's what I've done, here's what I hope to do. I hope it's not too late.
