jchrisobrien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jchrisobrien) wrote2001-05-20 11:13 pm
jchrisobrien) wrote2001-05-20 11:13 pm
(no subject)
My page has been scrambled all weekend. I'm sure I'll get a chance to read it again someday. Perhaps you can even read this now.
There were some high points to this day. Seeing the Mummy Returns (too fast paced at times, but enjoyable) and the Season Finale of the X-Files (a little anti-climatic, but nicely so). There were some low points to this day. Very low. Low enough that I'm not going to talk about them, only to say that if you learn your lesson, then it can't be all that bad.
I want to be angry at myself, yell and scream at my stupidity and weakness, but it wouldn't do any good. Doesn't change anything. What happened to me? I used to be proud of myself. Sure, I was depressed and had negative self esteem, but there were parts of me that were exemplery, just, strong. Where is that now? Gone, that's where. I'm left with a shell that goes to work, then the gym, then home to sleep. My hobbies aren't fun anymore. The clubs I go to are going to shit. Everything is falling apart inside. The shell is fine, it's in good working order. Inside there's just wind blowing through empty rooms.
My friends have told me (in moments of honesty) that I try too hard. I want people to like me so much I have to keep proving it over and over. I don't know what they mean. I think I do things because I like people and want them to be happy.... and then the other thought hits me, slides in unseen just after the other words and you want them to like you, don't you? I'm sure they do, they like me well enough. Am I close to them? I don't know. I try to be open or talk to people, but it doesn't always work. Some people get pushed away, give off wierd signals. I know this because I give off wierd signals: desperation, a certain pathetic "why won't you like me"?
See... The little voice says. You're doing it again. Acting all shy and mopey and depressed and hand-stapled-to-forehead, so they will come and read and pity you in your dredged up constructed plight. Why don't you just be happy and let life roll off your back and GET OVER IT??
Why? Because at this time and place I am disgusted and despondant. It happens to all of us, you know? I always used to vent to people about how miserable I am, now I can vent that here. Yes, I KNOW people can and do read this, but I need some form of release.
How much shit has to happen before you change for the better? For all my talk about the inevitability of change earlier, I seem to be staying the same. Or at least one facet of my life remains the same. All I seemed to see this weekend were either happy couples, or perpetual bachelor.... damn I can't even finish the sentence. The little voice just won't shut up. contradicting me, preventing me from typing things that are bullshit.
Maybe I need to meet new people. New women at least. I've exhausted my options around here. If anyone among my current friends (who I could like) liked me, they would have let me know by now. And the others I've asked have declined my offer.
Some of them were interested, but it never worked out. I'm sorry about that, I apologize for being clueless, for not knowing what I want, for thinking too much, for putting pressure on you.
I once asked a friend of mine about rituals of death and rebirth. I wanted to commit spiritual suicide if you will, kill off the bad parts of myself, myself period, and create a new personality, a me that I was proud of. I only proved that I didn't know shit about such things. You can't go through a little ritual and fix your entire life. I was always one to wish for quick fixes, snapping my fingers and PRESTO your life is better. I think almost everyone on the planet has things about them that they don't like, demons that they wrestle with. So it's not like I'm alone here.
Well, physically I am.
I can't help it. I keep saying I'll settle for anything, long term, short term, whatEVER just give me something. Then I learned that are things I don't want. I've found lines by crossing them. Experiences is the best teacher. Insert lame-ass quote here.
The little voice returns. For Christ's sake. If you go walking around broadcasting your need like a fucking car alarm, you on'y going to drive people away, make the all uncomfortable around you. Just relax, would you fucking relax?
Did you ever think that all of this crap you put yourself through is created by you? That you invent and add drama to your life which is pretty fucking ideal by most standards? You're good at everything you do. You're not the best, but nothing is a challenge for long. Remember you saxophone playing? Best soloist in the school. Remember your black belt? Remember your academic awards, breezing your way through school, your painting your varied tournaments won? Are you paying attention here???
I need to shout at myself less. I know what I'm doing wrong. I know what's beyond my control. I have to forgive myself my faults and accept myself. Here I am, here's what I've done, here's what I hope to do. I hope it's not too late.
There were some high points to this day. Seeing the Mummy Returns (too fast paced at times, but enjoyable) and the Season Finale of the X-Files (a little anti-climatic, but nicely so). There were some low points to this day. Very low. Low enough that I'm not going to talk about them, only to say that if you learn your lesson, then it can't be all that bad.
I want to be angry at myself, yell and scream at my stupidity and weakness, but it wouldn't do any good. Doesn't change anything. What happened to me? I used to be proud of myself. Sure, I was depressed and had negative self esteem, but there were parts of me that were exemplery, just, strong. Where is that now? Gone, that's where. I'm left with a shell that goes to work, then the gym, then home to sleep. My hobbies aren't fun anymore. The clubs I go to are going to shit. Everything is falling apart inside. The shell is fine, it's in good working order. Inside there's just wind blowing through empty rooms.
My friends have told me (in moments of honesty) that I try too hard. I want people to like me so much I have to keep proving it over and over. I don't know what they mean. I think I do things because I like people and want them to be happy.... and then the other thought hits me, slides in unseen just after the other words and you want them to like you, don't you? I'm sure they do, they like me well enough. Am I close to them? I don't know. I try to be open or talk to people, but it doesn't always work. Some people get pushed away, give off wierd signals. I know this because I give off wierd signals: desperation, a certain pathetic "why won't you like me"?
See... The little voice says. You're doing it again. Acting all shy and mopey and depressed and hand-stapled-to-forehead, so they will come and read and pity you in your dredged up constructed plight. Why don't you just be happy and let life roll off your back and GET OVER IT??
Why? Because at this time and place I am disgusted and despondant. It happens to all of us, you know? I always used to vent to people about how miserable I am, now I can vent that here. Yes, I KNOW people can and do read this, but I need some form of release.
How much shit has to happen before you change for the better? For all my talk about the inevitability of change earlier, I seem to be staying the same. Or at least one facet of my life remains the same. All I seemed to see this weekend were either happy couples, or perpetual bachelor.... damn I can't even finish the sentence. The little voice just won't shut up. contradicting me, preventing me from typing things that are bullshit.
Maybe I need to meet new people. New women at least. I've exhausted my options around here. If anyone among my current friends (who I could like) liked me, they would have let me know by now. And the others I've asked have declined my offer.
Some of them were interested, but it never worked out. I'm sorry about that, I apologize for being clueless, for not knowing what I want, for thinking too much, for putting pressure on you.
I once asked a friend of mine about rituals of death and rebirth. I wanted to commit spiritual suicide if you will, kill off the bad parts of myself, myself period, and create a new personality, a me that I was proud of. I only proved that I didn't know shit about such things. You can't go through a little ritual and fix your entire life. I was always one to wish for quick fixes, snapping my fingers and PRESTO your life is better. I think almost everyone on the planet has things about them that they don't like, demons that they wrestle with. So it's not like I'm alone here.
Well, physically I am.
I can't help it. I keep saying I'll settle for anything, long term, short term, whatEVER just give me something. Then I learned that are things I don't want. I've found lines by crossing them. Experiences is the best teacher. Insert lame-ass quote here.
The little voice returns. For Christ's sake. If you go walking around broadcasting your need like a fucking car alarm, you on'y going to drive people away, make the all uncomfortable around you. Just relax, would you fucking relax?
Did you ever think that all of this crap you put yourself through is created by you? That you invent and add drama to your life which is pretty fucking ideal by most standards? You're good at everything you do. You're not the best, but nothing is a challenge for long. Remember you saxophone playing? Best soloist in the school. Remember your black belt? Remember your academic awards, breezing your way through school, your painting your varied tournaments won? Are you paying attention here???
I need to shout at myself less. I know what I'm doing wrong. I know what's beyond my control. I have to forgive myself my faults and accept myself. Here I am, here's what I've done, here's what I hope to do. I hope it's not too late.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2001-05-21 06:12 am (UTC)(link)Try more to accept yourself than change yourself.
You are worthwhile.
You always have been.
Re:
Part of me knows that to be true, objectivly.
I'm still lacking in the faith part.
But accepting is the key, faults and flaws and good things... all of it.
But I'm afraid that accepting the things I don't like means I won't change them.
no subject
anyway, on my way to appologize for my earlier post, i saw this:
You can't go through a little ritual and fix your entire life.
and that's true, but there are things you can do to gain insight, which helps.
one summer, i stayed up for 48 hours straight, and thought a lot. there's really nothing else to do really without sleep and other distractions; and without artificial stimulants, the thoughts are pretty much your own.
if you can....why not take a short vacation somewhere pretty, and stay up a while? write and stuff and...well, i don't know. but it taught me alot when i did it...
just thought i'd share. hang in there, you. [hug]
Re:
That's a very good idea. Taking a mini vacation. I've never been down to the Cape, I could always go there. Perhaps the long weekend isn't the best time for that. Or I could go to Montreal again, by myself. Or even just part of the way, there were some phenomonal views of the mountains I remember passing on the way up....
Hmmm....
depression
(Anonymous) 2001-05-21 07:58 am (UTC)(link)I hope you won't be offended if I play amateur psychiatrist here, but... This paragraph really caught my attention because it is one of the classic expressions of clinical depression. I know this because I very recently felt the same way. I was just diagnosed myself and I've just recently started on a course of meds.
I want to urge you to see a doctor. There is no reason for you to feel this way unless you want to (and there's certainly nothing wrong with that! I know a lot of people who hold to the "this is part of me and I accept that and live with it" school of thought).
It is possible that you have a clinically-diagnosable disease, the same way that people with diabetes or cancer have a disease. And there are treatments available, the same way there are treatments for diabetes and cancer. Possible treatments include talk therapy, medication, psychotherapy, and any combination of the above.
There is a huge stigma associated with depression, and especially taking medication to fix it. I know from experience that the stigma (and the guilt you can feel about "not being strong enough to fix it yourself") can make it very hard to seek treatment. The conventional wisdom says that if you take meds for depression you're giving up, or not fighting it hard enough, or being weak.
That's bullshit. No one would tell someone with diabetes not to take their insulin and instead to think really hard about not being diabetic anymore. Sounds ludicrous, doesn't it? But people say the equivalent (or imply it) to depressed people all the time.
If you are comfortable with the idea, I urge you to see a doctor. No, it probably won't be a quick fix, but you may be closer to the self-acceptance you seek than you think.
Re: depression
no subject
Other suggestions is to let go of certain hobbies etc. that don't hold the magic that they once did but you stick with them out of lack of a good reason to make the break. Nothing more exciting than a new hobby.
As for romance, keep going out and socializing but don't look for anything other than having fun. You'll begin to notice who takes an interest in you (sometimes in retrospect) and let things build up slowly. Its so hard to start up any relationship by looking for it or pushing some one towards it before a comfort level has been established. Low pressure, fun loving...
Re:
I am taking a break from some of them. We'll see how I feel about them in a week, or if I miss them.
Ah the last part. You think you are going out and just having fun, not looking. Sometimes you're deceiving yourself. I suppose when you are out of options, it's easier not to look. That's a good place to start, anyhow.
no subject
One of the toughest things to do was to stop working out at the taekwondo school I was at. I began not to enjoy my classes there. So while writing my thesis, I stopped going. I decided that I was fine without it. And paintball started to fill in the void. And it's more fitting to my needs in a social, road tripping, and hobby sort of way.
Ah the last part. You think you are going out and just having fun, not looking. Sometimes you're deceiving yourself.
I suppose when you are out of options, it's easier not to look. That's a good place to start, anyhow.
It's not _not looking_. It's more just being laid back about it and seeming less predatory. Casualness mixed with sincerity. Meeting people without an immediate goal or definition in mind. Therefore, there's no deception. It's giving up (the goal-specific aspect) without giving in (to not going out and socializing). Women like to pursue and gain your attention as much as men do but in a slower or less aggressive way. Being too forward about it scares these types away. Flirty and fun, not forward to the point of being pseudo-oblivious, historically has worked better for me than getting that name, number, and trying to set plans write off the bat. Its all in the moderation that usually comes when you're just feeling burned out from your search.
Re:
Thank you! I really like the not not-looking comment. I tried looking and not looking, and thought I wasn't looking. Then someone would come along and zoom! I'm back to looking again. Causal. Relaxed. Letting go. Words that have been running through my head a lot today.
no subject
You may need to praise youself more for what you do well. My friends tell me all the time look at all you have done..but sometimes we have this mean lil critic inside us. It can be from voices of the past or we just have it and we need to wrestle it to the ground and tell us hey leave us alone. Tell it you know you are a good person with the strengths you have. If you think you are inside too much and you arent happy being inside then go out more but do it because you want to not because you need to or have to. Developing want is really what I think is necessary for inner peace.
I realize all the goals in the worls arent worth anything if I cant wake up and be happy with me. My friend said I can always make my book of art and poetry. It just may not be the time. I am drawing more since I put less pressure on me. I am writing more poetry too. I realized above all I just want peace and happiness and if something makes you happy as long as it isnt hurtful go for it. Put away the book of shoulds and just let yourself enjoy it.
I read your post and it connected to what I am going through so i thought I would ramble and explode on the page and let you know you are not alone. I have developed a ncie lil world for myself yet I am always wanting mroe ..be more..feel more ect and not taking enough time to savor the now.....I like myself mroe every day and my own company too which is the biggest gaol of all.If thoings truly are making me unhappy then Ill try to chnage them a lil at a time.
Reward youself often when you ahev a bda day or when you feel blah it helps...take youself out somewhere special and above all treat youself with as much kindness as you would treat others.
I hope you didnt mind my empowering rant.me still sleepy so not sure what I wrote.I added you to my friends list by the way since I related so much to what you wrote