jchrisobrien (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jchrisobrien) wrote2001-05-08 11:42 pm
jchrisobrien) wrote2001-05-08 11:42 pm
(no subject)
The exhaustion and ache is beginning to settle in.
I got approved for a class on Windows 2000 training, it will take place next week for a week. Work is picking up the bill. It means a little earlier rising, but an earlier ending day. And when I'm done I should be a lot more familiar with the whole win2k thing. Taking a one week course won't make me a genius, but since I'm going to be using it everyday I'm sure a lot of it will stick.
Maybe some of the theory will carry over into a new job opportunity. Tony (Ali's boyfriend) is looking for someone at MGH to help out their sys admin. It's a Mac and Unix environment; worlds different than what I've done before, but it's a learning kind of job. Could pick up some mad skills for down the road, if I can hack it. I'll throw my resume at him and see what comes of it.
My painting job may have hit a snafu, as the guy I'm painting for really want to pay me in miniatures for an army I don't like playing anymore, or gift certificates for a game I don't play. I could start playing it, buy the rules and all with the certificates, but wasn't I saying before I'd like to spend my time on other things? Or on other people? Well, there's no one else Significant Other like to do that to... so it's back to old habits.
I wonder which parts of what we feel are real. We spend a lot of time fooling ourselves or fooling each other, putting on masks and chanting mantras to make ourselves feel better. But what about the parts when you are "honest" with yourself? Is that honesty, reality? Or is it just depression, your darker half talking to you. Why does a whisper from that shadow carry louder and farther than our conscious daytime self? Which reality do we keep close to our heart? If you ask me in the morning, when I just walked to work feeling the breeze on my skin and the sun warming me, I'd say things are great, life is wonderful. Ask me again at night, sitting alone, reading about other people kissing and connecting, and my answer will be different. Or at least I'd have to think about it more.
Broken record time again. Fuck that. Just because you have a bad day, or are tired, doesn't mean your life sucks. So what if you're a little heavier that you are "supposed to be for you height"? So what if you're single and every relationship you try to get it is fucked up by your intensity. It just means that for whatever reason, it was n't right and isn't going to happen, so deal with it and move on. Moments of happiness are fleeting and quicksilver, but they happen. You'll just have to drink them down where you can.
Those parts of you that pull yourself down, make you feel worthless, that bullshit. The feelings are real, but they are not your reality. Everyone has them, everyone works through them. Some people let them guide their life, let themselves make bad decisions that nuture their negative side. Eventually though, you just have to tell those feelings to fuck off.
I got approved for a class on Windows 2000 training, it will take place next week for a week. Work is picking up the bill. It means a little earlier rising, but an earlier ending day. And when I'm done I should be a lot more familiar with the whole win2k thing. Taking a one week course won't make me a genius, but since I'm going to be using it everyday I'm sure a lot of it will stick.
Maybe some of the theory will carry over into a new job opportunity. Tony (Ali's boyfriend) is looking for someone at MGH to help out their sys admin. It's a Mac and Unix environment; worlds different than what I've done before, but it's a learning kind of job. Could pick up some mad skills for down the road, if I can hack it. I'll throw my resume at him and see what comes of it.
My painting job may have hit a snafu, as the guy I'm painting for really want to pay me in miniatures for an army I don't like playing anymore, or gift certificates for a game I don't play. I could start playing it, buy the rules and all with the certificates, but wasn't I saying before I'd like to spend my time on other things? Or on other people? Well, there's no one else Significant Other like to do that to... so it's back to old habits.
I wonder which parts of what we feel are real. We spend a lot of time fooling ourselves or fooling each other, putting on masks and chanting mantras to make ourselves feel better. But what about the parts when you are "honest" with yourself? Is that honesty, reality? Or is it just depression, your darker half talking to you. Why does a whisper from that shadow carry louder and farther than our conscious daytime self? Which reality do we keep close to our heart? If you ask me in the morning, when I just walked to work feeling the breeze on my skin and the sun warming me, I'd say things are great, life is wonderful. Ask me again at night, sitting alone, reading about other people kissing and connecting, and my answer will be different. Or at least I'd have to think about it more.
Broken record time again. Fuck that. Just because you have a bad day, or are tired, doesn't mean your life sucks. So what if you're a little heavier that you are "supposed to be for you height"? So what if you're single and every relationship you try to get it is fucked up by your intensity. It just means that for whatever reason, it was n't right and isn't going to happen, so deal with it and move on. Moments of happiness are fleeting and quicksilver, but they happen. You'll just have to drink them down where you can.
Those parts of you that pull yourself down, make you feel worthless, that bullshit. The feelings are real, but they are not your reality. Everyone has them, everyone works through them. Some people let them guide their life, let themselves make bad decisions that nuture their negative side. Eventually though, you just have to tell those feelings to fuck off.
no subject
I know what you mean about not being able to tell the difference between depression and "truth".
The thing is, in my saner moments, I don't believe in things like absolute, inescapeable truths. So it's only when I'm a little out of my head that I can feel things (like you suck! you're ugly, and no-one likes you!) that seem absolutely, inescapeably true. Sometimes these delusions are the only things that feel real, because when I'm not delusional and moody, I don't let myself believe in things that are that real.
If that makes any sense.
Re:
Maybe it's a function of the bad mood or depression. When you are down, you are overwhelmed by your current situation, and can't see anything else besides the thing that brought you down. All your options fall away.
I've been conditioned to believe in absolutes (good ol' Catholic upbringing), so it's hard for me to shake the ideal of there being concrete, unalterable Truths. There's a part of me that's frightened of the absence of truth. If there are no absolutes, if right and wrong are subjective, then there's a rapid spiral to everything being subjective, no rules, and then you do whatever you want.
It's too bad that when we're out of our head, "reality" seems clearer. But to counter that, there are times when I'm out of my head in a good way, really enjoying a moment, when anything does seem possible and all is right with the world. Clarity.
no subject
overwhelmed by your current situation, and can't see anything else besides the thing that
brought you down. All your options fall away.
i kind of see this as a good thing for myself, as it kind of serves as a forceful reminder that there's something i need to deal with, right not, and it lets me focus all my attention on it (whether i like it or not).
of course, i hardly have what is often termed as clinical depression, just major funks that come and go...
Re:
no subject
but you're right, it does depend on an ability to view yourself with an almost scientific eye, and process and deal with a lot of emotional 'data'...